• To the Skinny Bitch in My Mind

    by  • May 15, 2011 • Addiction, Frustration • 0 Comments

    Dear Skinny Bitch,

    Well what can I really say that we haven’t already discussed? It has been four long years since we first met. Since you first made me restrict my life in every way shape and form. I didn’t realize this until recently but I have begun to mistake your voice in my head as my own. Isn’t that silly? I honestly don’t really know how this relationship started. One moment I was a bright happy girl child filled with hopes and dreams and then bam there you are ready to tear me down as only you can.
    FAT DISGUSTING UNLOVABLE FAT RUDE ARROGANT UNWORTHY STUPID SELFISH LIAR FAT NEEDY LARGE HOPELESS LAZY PROCRASTINATOR WEAK CHAOTIC LOST FAT HUGE OVER THE TOP POSSESSIVE BITCH ANGRY MOODY HATEFUL DISDAINFUL CONCEITED FAT UGLY QUIET AFRAID FAT.

    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT
    FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

    My God! Just shut up already! Seriously why the hell did you have to come and find me? What did I do to deserve this hatred? This willingness to hurt myself day after day. To struggle with so much anger and fear. To lost any semblance of a life. To constantly lie to those around me. To cry each and every night. To feel nothing because I no longer can. To push everyone away because it is easier than being rejected. To seize up with fear at the site of food. To bow down to the toilet when I have sinned and eaten the food. To hurt myself when that isn’t an option. To fight day in and day out with people who only care. To manipulate those around me. To slowly but surely kill myself. WHAT?? Please just tell me why you find it so necessary to repeatedly whisper into my ear everything that I already know? Quite honestly I am sick of your shit. You are petty. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that you are beautful? That this isn’t what you need? That you can feel happy again? I know it must be true. Because if it isn’t then what is the freaking point? How would anyone be happy in this world? Because of you I look at everyone around me and feel displaced in time. As if I am not really here. After all am I really? It is not like the life I have really means anything. No, you have made sure of that from day 1, when I first threw out my lunch. Your presence has wiped out the sweet little girl I used to be and instead replaced her with a monster. I am now trapped within the mirror. And quite frankly I am TIRED. So so so tired. Please. Please let me go. I cannot take this for much longer. The starving, binging, purging, cutting, lying. It is too much, far too much for one as weak as I to handle. I beg of you. Find some mercy, some compassion and release me from your claws. Give me back my life. I desperately seek some reason to stay in this world.

    At your mercy as always

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