• This is not an apology,

    by  • May 10, 2011 • Cheating, Heartbreak • 5 Comments

    because for you, I apologize too much. I should not have to apologize anymore. I am better than that.

    You’ve told me numerous times that I am the only person that you have never lied to. You’ve told me that you’ve never felt the need to lie to me. I know now, after today, that when you said that, you lied. I should have never believed you, but I think it was my ridiculous need to feel wanted that made me listen to you.

    You refused to answer my innocent questions. At first, I was joking around, I didn’t think anything serious would come of it. Then, after you got defensive and angry, I made up my mind. Yes, I went through your phone. Yes, I know about everything. You aren’t fooling me anymore, I’ve suspected everything for a while and this just confirmed my doubts. You claim to have never cheated before, but I doubt that as well. Your personality tells me differently. I don’t know how many times you have lied to me. What makes really makes it worse though, is that you keep insisting that you are always honest. Telling another person all the things you want to do to her, and her telling you that she misses your touch and that she wants you to bend her over, grab her hair, and fuck her from behind is cheating on me. Any way you look at it, it is an infidelity.

    You said that she contacts you and you almost always ignore it. You said that you only entertain the idea when you are intoxicated. Last night, you weren’t intoxicated. Last night, you were with me and you still told her what you wanted to do to her. Yet somehow, after I called you out on it, I was the one that ended up apologizing. You do not respect me, even though without me you would have been kicked out of school or in jail.

    I do everything for you. I devote all my free time to you, yet somehow it seems that you will never think that I am good enough for you. You were always good enough for me. Other men were ruined, you were the one that I wanted. But I was never the one that you wanted. After countless girls, I know that everything that you have ever told me was a lie.

    You have made it clear that we are not in a relationship. We are only dating and you refuse to be faithful, yet you tell me that you do want to be in a relationship, and you have for a long time, except for the fact that I “overreact.” However, a while ago, you did promise me that you would not see anyone else. This was a lie as well. I do not overreact. I react in ways that are completely legitimate, especially in this circumstance.

    You affect me more than you think you do. I think at one point in time(and possibly even now) that I loved you. I never had wanted to be monogamous with anyone before I met you. I gave up a huge part of myself to be with you. At first, you were good for me. You made me talk to you if I was bothered by something, and you made me tell you what was on my mind, whether it was good or bad. You pushed and insisted that I tell you, but now every time that I bring anything up, you say that I am overreacting.

    You tell me that I often take my frustrations out on you. That may be true, but you deny that you are ever to blame and that you don’t do the same with me. You scream at me even when all I’m trying to do is help you. You are the person that makes me feel the worst about myself, and I don’t know why.

    The worst part is how often you tell me how much you care about me and how much you appreciate me.
    The worst part is how much my family loves you.
    The worst part is how much I love you.
    The worst part is how much I can’t see myself without you.
    The worst part is knowing that I will never be the same again.
    The worst part is knowing that I will never recover.
    The worst part is everything.

    I have given you so many chances. What is important to me is not important to you. What bothers me, you think is ridiculous. I can’t spend hours crying over you and how terrible you make me feel about myself anymore. I can’t be friends with you. I can’t date you, I can’t have any contact with you. All I wanted was for you to love me.

    5 Responses to This is not an apology,

    1. jess
      May 10, 2011 at 3:53 am

      Wow, every single sentence of this letter describes my current situation to a tee. It made me shed a tear. And I don’t even know you. I am so, so sorry….

    2. Julie
      May 10, 2011 at 4:36 am

      We are in the same situation but as they said “It is better to End something and Start another than to imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible”…

    3. Anon
      May 10, 2011 at 4:58 am

      Girl, that guy is a piece of shit. Human garbage. He won’t change. I know it’s hard to do but you have to get out now. You’ll be much better off, much happier, if you do. I’m so, so sorry.

    4. Ahrima
      May 10, 2011 at 11:52 am

      GET RID OF HIM! He doesn’t deserve you baby.

    5. The Kid
      May 10, 2011 at 12:44 pm

      It’s hard to feel sorry for people who don’t stand up for themselves. You got two choices, (1) be a fool and let him keep doing what he wants. (2) Move on, 3 billion men on this planet. I have confidence you’ll find another.

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