• Love NOt HAte

    by  • May 8, 2011 • Acceptance, Family Stuff • 0 Comments

    Dear maternal side of the family,

    Well, recently I came out to my immediate family as a lesbian, or at least someone who likes gay/bi girls “that way” better (a LOT better) than straight guys. They’re choosing to call that lesbian/gay; the label doesn’t matter to me, I’m cool with it. Happily, so are they.

    But you won’t be. You guys are fundamentalist Christians. Matriarch, I’m looking RIGHT AT YOU. You’re the boss of the family, or think you are, and you’ll make my aunts and uncles listen to you. You’ll MAKE them agree with you just so THEY don’t get accused of being damned for supporting something I have no control over whatsoever, just so they don’t get cut off or prayed at. You’ll probably make them cut me off.

    So in order to let my little siblings have a relationship with you (because my mother, great and terrible as her love is for me, will cut off contact with you after you find out and won’t let you near me) I have to keep my sexuality a secret for as long as possible. Kinda a tall order in a small town like ours, but you don’t know as many people as you think you do, thank goodness. Knock on wood, I’ll be able to keep this a secret until after I leave for college-after that it shouldn’t be too hard to keep away from you (again, knock on wood) because of the fact that I’ll kind of be hundred(s) of miles away. However, let’s not kid ourselves, it’s gonna come out eventually. And it pisses me off that you’re going to basically give up on my family, my beautiful dysfunctional family, because you don’t think my sexuality is permitted by “god”. Reasons I am going to laugh at you when you pull the religion card:

    1.) I’m not Christian for reasons of my own (you don’t know that yet either). Therefore your book does not scare me, nor do your threats of hellfire.

    2.) Leviticus also bans shellfish, mixed fabrics, etc.

    3.) That verse is completely taken out of historical context (sodomy and forced homosexuality among both sexes was a common punishment for conquered peoples in order to “break them” into proper slaves… those stories & verses are banning that, in my personal opinion) as is the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah. Just a personal opinion after reading and actually STUDYING the friggin’ thing.

    But seriously, you’ve always gone on about how it’s wrong and how you can “pray the gay away” (you don’t understand that people only use those words to satirize your side, do you, Matriarch?) Matriarch and company, try praying this away. I guarantee it won’t work.

    How fragile is your love for me, your niece/granddaughter/cousin, that it can be shattered so easily? Once, Matriarch, you heard me and one of my siblings teasing each other. We were both chuckling. You definitively told me something was wrong with me. EXCUSE YOU? Are you bipolar or just a manic schizophrenic?! Everything is absolutely dependent on you and your opinions of a subject. Everyone MUST agree with you, or else they don’t have an opinion. And you, Maternal Side of the Family, you guys LET HER push you around. I can’t believe you guys care so little about me to follow her… but I think I’ll be proven wrong.

    And that… that breaks my heart. I’m just now realizing what will happen when you find out.

    I’ll never introduce my current girlfriend to you, man. That’s… kind of a downer, to put it lightly.

    I’ll never be able to show up with my fiancee, if I ever have one, at a family reunion when you guys will be there.

    I’ll never be able to babysit any of your amazing kids after you find out, my beloved little cousins, because you’ll think I’m a bad influence or she’ll say so (Matriarch).

    I’ll never trade craft websites with you again.

    Does love mean so little? I’ve heard all your opinions about people who are even a little curious about their sxuality, Matriarch. I know you try to force them on your children and the ones that buy your take on life try to impose most of your other views on their children. I know all this, and it breaks my heart into little fractured bits of muscle that I might, in fact probably will, one day lose contact with my family. Because of you and your hate of the fact that I’m not straight. Frankly, it’s none of your fucking business what gender I prefer! But you’ll make it your business when you find out. Already you’re talking to the few of my friends you DO know about my supposed interests in the male community, including one who lives literally next door to you. It makes them feel awkward, to say the least, as they know I’m dating an amazing girl who is also a close friend. But, thank goodness,they say nothing. They sidestep. They laugh it off-“oh you know her, she’s too in love with the Web for boys”, “we don’t talk about boys, we just talk about shoes and acting”, “psh, you mean the Ice Queen? No guys on the horizon there”, etc. That sucks, because they shouldn’t have to do this, but because they care about me, they do. I’m so thankful for that, for the friends who’ve stuck by me-a few even though they’re opposed to the idea of homosexuality. Imagine that! People agreeing to disagree! Huh! And you don’t see me ballasting them about that, do you?

    Part of me wants a Disney ending for this conflict, when it finally erupts, to occur; that Disneyfied denouement where you realize you’ve been wrong all along, or that love conquers all. But this ain’t Disney.

    Please. Please. Please. All of you under the Matriarch, because I know her and she’ll never consider. I love you guys. We’re blood (obviously). I love you all, and I haven’t “changed”. I’ve just admitted something to others that I’ve known for a while. Please, when you find out-in two years, six, ten, twenty-remember the girl you drove to practice. Remember the girl you joked with at Christmas, the girl who took pictures of your newborn, the girl you watched yearly, some of you at the fall and others (less so these) in the spring. I’m that girl. I didn’t change. I haven’t been stolen by aliens or Satan or Lilith. I’ve been this way. And you loved me. When you find out I hope that somehow you still will.

    For the ones who might be too young to remember when all this spills:

    My precocious pal, who the entire family agrees is much like me, I want you to know that when you were 4 or so, I PhotoShopped angel wings and puppy dog prints on pictures of you and your brother. Baby bro of my bookworm angel, I carried you around the house whenever you came over. Both you and your sister slammed on the piano with me. You and I played with Jenga and stuff. We were tight. And littlest, I held you before you were a day old. I have pictures of you and couldn’t resist drawing a heart on it. And that whole time, I was still attracted to girls.

    Love =/= hate.

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