I gave you every fiber of my being, every inch of my body, every corner of my mind, every last bit of my heart, and every single (whatever it is you would use to measure) of my soul.
I went to jail three times for you. I walked out on my family because of you. I skipped out on my flight to Florida because I would rather stay with you instead. I turned my back on my best friend knowing that if I did, I would never see her again, but I did it, because being with you was priority.
You were always my priority, never an option, always my first choice.
I didn’t go to school for you. I woke up every morning at 5:30 to leave your house so nobody would find me there and call the cops. I walked around grabbing half-smoked cigarettes out of community ashtrays because I was so damn broke I couldn’t afford a single from the head shop down the street. Some of them had bright pink lipstick on them. I smoked ’em anyway. I walked around for hours, rain or shine, snow or overcast, in the same clothes I had been wearing yesterday. Most of the time it was freezing outside. I was miserable. I always had to look over my shoulder because today was not the day that I’d be going back to jail. Some other day, I’d turn myself in… Just not today… Then the sun would shine just above the top of the dojo-shaped building (Or what I imagine a dojo would look like, anyway) and I would know it was safe to go back. So I’d walk down that same damned street, and cross your lawn, enter through the front door like I owned the place, and come crawling back into bed with you. Then I wasn’t so miserable anymore.
Now I’m just rambling. All I really wanted to say in this letter I’ll never send to you is… I gave you my everything and didn’t get the same in return. I guess I set my expectations too high. Or not oven that, I just had faith that one day, before it was too late, you would realize what you had, and you wouldn’t let it walk away.
And yet here we are, saying our good-byes.
Fuck you, for leaving me. Fuck you, for not needing me. I wana say “fuck you” because I still love you. No I’m not okay, and I don’t know what to do.
Once Yours Truly,
But Hopefully Never Again.