I am scared. I’m terrified. The future is more frightening to me than anything else right now. I’m graduating high school. My grades were horrible, absolute garbage. But I passed enough just to graduate. All my friends are getting accepted to colleges, getting jobs, moving on and growing apart. And here I am. The world keeps turning, the sun keeps rising, and I can’t catch up. I can’t tell everyone to stop, I can’t hit pause, I have fallen behind the pack and now the wolves are going to get me.
I am sorry mom and dad. I’m sorry that I never did drugs. I’m sorry I never drank. I’m sorry i’m a lesbian and I will never accidentally get pregnant by a one night stand. I am sorry I never did these things, because at least if I did maybe I could see why you think I am a loser. I come home from school feeling defeated and hopeless because of you. I lock myself away and cry because of your fucking comments, past and present. Those fucking words are crystal clear in my mind, and they will never go away. If I manage to climb my way out of this God forsaken shit hole, you will be the last people I thank.
I want to leave. I want to run away with you. I want to get out of here and never look back. Just me and you. You’re all I have got right now. Your my rock, your my world. I love you, everything about you. I have never been so sure about my feelings for someone as I am for you. But you make me scared too. I am scared your gonna leave, because they always do. I am never the dump-er. I am always the one getting dumped. I am scared that my love is too strong, that I want our relationship too badly. Your the best thing that has ever happened to me. But my instinct tells me your gonna leave too. I hope, and if i were religious I would pray, that you will forever be the one constant in my life. But I feel crazy for feeling that way. For thinking that could be possible in today’s world. I would follow you to the end of the world though. I support every decision you make whole heartedly. I would do anything for you, anything at all. I will follow you around this world and be by your side through thick and thin. Your my best friend, my lover. My girlfriend. I am scared I could lose you.
I don’t know what to expect for myself, except for change. I don’t know if it will be good, bad, or some obscure shade of gray. I don’t have it all together and I wont pretend I do. I feel like I have missed out on life by trying to be good. By staying out of trouble. By playing it safe. By just barely getting bye. By sitting in the corner merely observing the world around me. I tried to be a good daughter and I am still a loser. I am trying to be a good girlfriend, but I am terrified it’s all going to disappear in the end. The sun is going to rise in a few hours. A new day is going to start. It’s coming. I can’t run, can’t hide. I can’t stop it and I can’t control it. I’m scared.