• Maybe someday I can send it

    by  • April 21, 2011 • Closure, Sorry • 0 Comments

    I don’t know how to begin writing a letter I’ll never send. Even if I did it makes no sense that it would be to you, but it is. You’re probably wondering why I feel the need to write such a thing, it’s pretty complicated. Our lives intersected over a year ago without our permission, I doubt you wanted me anymore than I wanted you. I was scared, a vulnerable college freshman. I’m a huge nerd and a bit of an introvert which is probably something you don’t know about me (I doubt you know most things). Starting college was hard, I wasn’t making many friends and I was so lonely. I began hanging out in the smoking area because people out there were friendly, and one day I met two funny boys, on one of them I developed a huge crush. I went out there as often as I could hoping to see him, I rarely did. Then one day I found out he had a girlfriend he was crazy about and that he was transferring to Western, I didn’t see the boy so much anymore.

    Fast forward to when you broke up with him. He texted me and said he needed to talk about something. Laughingly I told my friend, “I hope his girlfriend dumped him!”. Funny joke, except you had. I barely had a chance to talk to him that day but we became close after that. Imagine my astonishment when after Thanksgiving break I found you two back together, as far as I knew you “hadn’t even been talking” This resulted in my drunkenly bashing him at a Denny’s to our favorite waitress. She wasn’t pleased with him.

    As hurt as I was I still wanted to be friends, we spent a ton of time together. I didn’t find out till later that he had been cutting time with you short for me, he knew I wouldn’t have liked that. I was a wreck, I wanted him but I wouldn’t touch him or tell him, I could never do that to another person. It was misery to be so close yet so far away. Time passed and finally one evening after standing me up for hours he told me he had let you go. I was sad for him and you, yet ecstatic to finally get what I had wanted for so long. As far as I know, I never cheated on you with him. Since then I have been told on several occasions that he didn’t actually break things off with you until the 18th of January, I sincerely hope that isn’t true. It’s a burden not knowing, but just know I would never do that to anyone, I couldn’t.

    Over the past year I’ve learned many things about you. At first I was told you were passive aggressive, spiteful, you didn’t spend time with him, and you weren’t a wonderful person. Now I doubt that any of that is true at all.

    Bits and pieces of you have filtered down to me and my whole perception has changed. I’ve learned that you’re smart, talented, ambitious, and strong. I’ve been told you have a sense of humor and one of loyalty. I’ve seen pictures and you to know that you are beautiful and happy. You likely deserve and live in happiness that cannot reach most people.

    I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I see you more clearly now. He told me you started crying and broke up with him when things seemed to be okay, I know that pain. Loving so deeply but yet being so harshly attacked and at times badly treated. It can be overwhelming and painful beyond all reckoning. Back then I thought “She must be awful to do that to someone so wonderful” He is wonderful in ways but in others being with him is heart wrenching.

    I can’t imagine what having someone so passionate as your first love has done to you. I’ve had buffers and experience, I know how to handle myself and still I have so many troubles. I know that you most likely still love him, though time heals all wounds, some jerk says. I know I will too, how could you not? He makes more of an impact on people than anyone I know.

    I wish our paths had crossed differently so that we could have gotten to know one another. I admire you and live daily in your shadow. It is difficult to over come the part I played in any pain you experienced. It was hard to find a place in his family, they love you dearly and my existence brought you heartache. They care deeply for me now but the love they hold for you has never diminished.

    I guess the problem is, there are so many things I wish you knew. That I never meant to hurt you, that he still loves you (and he always will, you mean more than you know to him) that I hope you can forgive me for the part I played in your pain.

    But mostly, I wish I had taken an interest that day I met you outside my dorm. I was jealous and barely acknowledged you, maybe we could have been friends. I only wish I had known then what I do now, and even though you are probably completely over everything that happened so long ago…. I’m sorry, you deserve better treatment. I don’t need to know you to know that. The people I love and respect hold you in the highest esteem, because of my respect for them so do I. My chest is still full of so much more, but maybe now it will live just a little lighter, and maybe someday I’ll send this, but probably not. You would likely just think I’m bat shit crazy anyway

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