We’ve been together for over a year now and things are absolutely amazing with us. I love you more than the world and you know that. You also know that I cheated on you this summer with my ex. And when I told you.. you didn’t even get mad. Well, you did kind’ve, but you didn’t get mad at me, things were just fine after that and I’m still not really sure why that happened. Part of me wanted you to get mad, and yell and curse and just not even talk to me for a little. I wanted to fight for you to come back, because I know you would’ve, but you just sat there, then we talked a little more and you got up to go to soccer and said you still wanted to see me after.. I guess I’ll never know what was up with that, but there’s more I want to tell you.
Maybe this would actually get you mad.
First of all, when I went to hang out with R I knew we were going to hook up. I have no idea why I wanted to hook up with him. You are so much better looking and offer way more than he ever did. And i love you, but there’s just something about him where I just can’t let him go. After that I only felt somewhat guilty, and we kept texting all the time. I’m not sure how long it was until the next time it was we hung out, but you were home from Disney by that point. We both had work later on in the day and were at home and he told me to come over beforehand, so I did. No one was home at his house and we went up to his room. We fooled around in his bed hooking up and whatever and then I gave him head. Since this note is no place for lying I will admit I was thinking about fucking him and he was definitely trying to make it happen, but that is definitely one thing I could never do to you. I don’t know why I gave him head, and this is something I can never tell you because there’s just nothing I can say about it, and I know that will make you furious. The worst part is we still text, even though you think he is completely out of my life now. I’ve just gotten really good at hiding it and keeping it a secret. He was home last weekend and called me to hang out, and I wanted to.. but I couldn’t do it. I think I’m always going to need to talk to him, but I can never escalate like that again and I know it.
You know about the time I went over to play with his dog after that and everything I told you about that was one hundred percent true, he did try to get with me and I said no. I want to bed friends with him and he makes it impossible, so I guess I should just realize that and get him out of my life.
Oh, one more thing, I wrote him a letter on Kairos. I know that would make you mad too so I didn’t tell you, but he wrote me one on his so I felt I had to write him one too. Besides you were too busy flirting with fucking Allison at this point anyway so at that point I was like screw you I’m doing it.
I looooooove you but I really hope you never see this, it’s something you never need to know.