• fuck

    by  • April 14, 2011 • Depression, Fear • 4 Comments

    i want to fucking die. i can’t tell anyone, not even you, because you won’t fucking let me. nobody will just let me rot away like i want to. i want to destroy myself and not have to care about anything. how come everyone else can slowly kill themselves any way they want, but when i start to try, i get stopped? i don’t want anyone to care about me. i don’t want anyone to love me. i want to be such a shadow that nobody even notices when i’m gone. it’s so hard for me to bite my tounge, especially around you, because i tell you everything. but i can’t tell you how much i hate living this dumb fucked up life and how much i just want it all to fucking stop. and i hate myself because you just asked if i was okay, and i said no, but i won’t tell you the real reason why. because i hate saying this but you had somethign to do with it. and i can’t bear to make you even a fraction of how sad and worthless i feel right now. and i can’t tell anyone else either, because i’ve been doing so fucking good and i cannot dissapoint my family again. after all the times they’ve watched me fuck myself over, i can’t do it to them again when they think i’m finally getting better. i tell myself this overwhelming feeling of self-hatred and the desire to watch myself die will go away, and i hope it does. sometimes i really hope it does.

    4 Responses to fuck

    1. S.
      April 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm

      I wish I could just take you into my arms, hug and hold you safe, tell you that everything will be alright! Doesn’t even matter who you are, I just wish I could. I know someone who means the world to me, who might feel exactly like you. Please please realize, your family and everyone who Truly loves you, will ALWAYS love you even if you have to break their hearts to heal yourself and start fresh. Whatever your situation may be, however impossible it may seem to escape, have faith and trust that you can! YOU can because you alone are the master of your happiness and nobody else. Listen, please don’t give up. You are strong & brave. You can conquer everything. You are never alone!
      Sending you a big cyber hug whispering that everything will be alright!

    2. Blackbird
      April 14, 2011 at 2:30 pm

      If there are all these people that care about you, you must be doing SOMETHING right! Thing is you CAN stop feeling like this-let them help you; tell them the truth. People aren’t mindreaders.

      Don’t give up hope.

    3. L
      April 14, 2011 at 9:24 pm

      Hang in there. I know that it can be really tough & I’ve been there sometimes, but even if you don’t realize your own value, you DO have worth. You might not believe it now, but you do. Try doing something nice for someone else – weirdly enough it makes me feel better when I’m terribly down – or chat up a friendly-looking stranger.

    4. Grace
      April 28, 2011 at 4:46 am

      I’m here to tell you it does get better. I’m a freshman in college and the first time I wrote a letter like that I was ten years old. The first time I mutilated myself I was eleven years old. Now, I’m over a year and a half out of that (ergo it took seven years) and I haven’t honestly wanted to die in over two years.

      Even if you don’t believe in yourself, I believe in you. I believe in your resilience and your love for the people you know care about you. I believe that, in time, you will grow to love yourself. I’m still on the way to that happy point, but therapy is helping (really, it is) and now I’m going to school to become a therapist and help other people who went through the same hell I did.

      I assure you, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Just open your eyes and start walking.

      ~Grace

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