i want to fucking die. i can’t tell anyone, not even you, because you won’t fucking let me. nobody will just let me rot away like i want to. i want to destroy myself and not have to care about anything. how come everyone else can slowly kill themselves any way they want, but when i start to try, i get stopped? i don’t want anyone to care about me. i don’t want anyone to love me. i want to be such a shadow that nobody even notices when i’m gone. it’s so hard for me to bite my tounge, especially around you, because i tell you everything. but i can’t tell you how much i hate living this dumb fucked up life and how much i just want it all to fucking stop. and i hate myself because you just asked if i was okay, and i said no, but i won’t tell you the real reason why. because i hate saying this but you had somethign to do with it. and i can’t bear to make you even a fraction of how sad and worthless i feel right now. and i can’t tell anyone else either, because i’ve been doing so fucking good and i cannot dissapoint my family again. after all the times they’ve watched me fuck myself over, i can’t do it to them again when they think i’m finally getting better. i tell myself this overwhelming feeling of self-hatred and the desire to watch myself die will go away, and i hope it does. sometimes i really hope it does.