I feel like I’ve lowered my standards in regards to who I love. I feel like maybe I do need to pay $30/month for match.com. Maybe if I did I would meet someone. Maybe not. I feel like I need to prioritize my life and set goals and dreams so that way I know what the fuck I want and don’t just lose myself as soon as I get into a relationship. I need to reorganize my mind so I’m not so confused anymore, and maybe I won’t feel so lonely. I have so much to give, and no one to give it too. Or maybe I do, maybe I just don’t know it. I feel like I’m waiting for that enchanting moment when someone who I knew briefly, or perhaps have known my entire life, comes up to me and says that everything that I am and that I stand for and that makes up me is exactly what he has been looking for. I want someone to look at me and openly recognise that, yea, I’m a work-in-progress, I am picking my pieces back up from the ground and trying to start again, but that he knows that I am only going to get better, and that maybe I need some help fixing me. I know that I’m not the perfect person, but I’m a lot better than most. I just want that brute honesty, I want it to be known that I’m a little disheveled right now, but that isn’t my permanent state, and I want to build myself into an even better person, and build myself into someone who can love and be loved. I embrace my quirks, and I want to have someone to embrace them too. I want to be someone’s dork/badass chick with a motorcycle.
So.. this is me, now and forever: I love to paint, and sculpt. I wish I was still in high school just for art class. I completely miss my outlet, art was my only source of freedom in every aspect. I desperately need to find a student’s desk for my typewriter because I have been itching to write, and I refuse to do it on a computer. I am hugely into the 1920s-1940s. Sometimes I wonder if I am a reincarnated flapper, or saloon girl. I lack common sense sometimes. I’m also extremely gullible. I still suffer from “kid syndrome” where I believe that every person is mostly good, and that I should have no reason to doubt what they are saying to me, and it often leads to me believing lies.. it’s more so that I trust people, rather than being gullible.
I feel a lot of my emotions intensely, and it makes me sensitive to other’s needs. I will give my whole self to someone to help them until I have nothing left to give. A lot of people recognise that and take advantage of me in the end. I feel like I can be empathetic to the world and all of its many problems. I so deeply want to do all that I can to change the planet for the better, I just haven’t figured out how to yet. When I die, I want to know that I did everything I could to preserve the Earth for future generations; I want to know that I left a huge impact on the thoughts of the masses; I want to be known. I want to set foot on every continent on the Earth. I want to submerge myself into every culture I encounter. I want to touch the life of everyone I meet, and try to change the mass perspective and show that there are still good people left on Earth. When I get my own home, I want to have a decent amount of land so that I can adopt as many animals as possible and give them a good home. I want to walk into a dog shelter and take all of the older dogs home, because they just need love. If I ever have children, I want to teach them that the world may not be a safe place, but it is our home, and that no matter what you must respect it. I want to influence all of the younger generations so they can save our planet and not destroy it. I want to promote a simpler life style, where people don’t have to rely on technology to live, but rather rely on direct communication with others to live. When I am old, I want to reflect on my life and just be able to smile. I want to look at the years of my life that were plagued by depression and self-doubt and realise that those were the years that formed the core of my personality, values, and strength. I want to not only take the path less traveled, but whip out a machete and make a path of my own. I have a million-and-one big ideas and I’ll be damned if I don’t see most of them come true. I want to dine in the likes of the rich and famous, and with the likes of the down-trodden and less fortunate. I want to experience the spark that is life, return to someone’s eyes and see them become human again. I want to make a difference.
..And I just want someone to live through every experience with me. Maybe that is asking for a fairytale, and maybe that is unrealistic to dream about. But he has to exist, or else I don’t exist. I’m not a foolish 19-year-old girl with unrealistic dreams and a fairytale ending. I’m the girl who is going to make it all happen.