Dear Me;

Exactly one year ago today, you had to commit to a decision that will be with you for the rest of your life. Today is hard for you because you remember step by step everything that you went through, and what you’ve been through since. The day you found out you were pregnant you were scared, you felt helpless, and even though your parents supported you, the decision was yours alone to make.

You would have made a great mother, and the need to care for someone has consumed you since to the point of not caring for yourself. You have so much love to give, and just because you made the choice you did does not mean you did not love your baby. You still think about him or her everyday because you torture yourself with What Ifs. But you also, deep down, know the reality. You were not ready. You would have loved that child but it would not have been able to love it’s life. You are a student, barely capable of cleaning your room let alone caring for a child.

Your parents would have sacrificed everything for you had you made the other choice, but you also know that that isnt right. They love you unconditionally and one day you will be able to pass on their support and strength as a parent, as a family, to your own child. But this wasn’t the time for you.

You need to grieve for your loss, instead of pushing it away. You are only hurting yourself. The drinking, the pills, the destructive behaviour need to stop. You have so many people in your life that love you, and you are lucky to be alive after your dismal attempt at taking your own life. You need to live again, the dark thoughts that pull you down do not control your life, you let them because you feel guilty for what you did a year ago. This needs to stop. It is not your fault the antibiotics intercepted the birth control. It was a fatal hand dealt to you that you had to deal with. Think of all the things you would have not been able to dream of, to accomplish, if you had not made your choice. You always think about the What Ifs you can’t control anymore, maybe you should think about the What Ifs in your future.

I Forgive You. I know you are sorry for the choice you had to make, but today is the day you finally move past hurting yourself to making it. I know it was hard for you that day, I know you loved your baby very much. But you need to move forward, and not blame everything that happens to you, a punishment for what you’ve done. Not only are you hurting yourself you are hurting those around you. One day you will have the chance to let your love be all consuming and unconditional, and you will love that child because he was given a chance. But you have to give yourself the chance first. You aren’t living, accept what happened and move on. Nothing can change what happened, but you aren’t giving your decision the chance to prove it was the right one by how your living with the freedom you were given.

Love those who have loved you back unrelenting, no questions asked. Your mom has been nothing short of a mountain this past year, she hurts when you hurt and that is not fair. You shouldn’t hurt her anymore after everything you’ve been through together. Your dad loves you more than he will ever be able to express. He understands you. Ryan did not judge your decision, and you would have never met the love of your life if you had not made it. It has been rough at times for the two of you, but it is unfair to him for you to blame your behaviour on that choice and how you feel. What happened to you should not affect how you feel about him. He doesn’t deserve that when he has stood by you at your worst.

You are beautiful, smart, compassionate, stubborn, temperamental, vivacious, sporadic, and a touch of crazy. Let those things define who you are, not once choice you had to make when you weren’t ready. Learn that not everything is easy for you, but don’t hold on to it. Let this burden go. Free yourself from the weight of everything you have put yourself under and just breathe again. Look forward to the future, be grateful that you know just how supportive your parents can be. Not many people would agree with your decision but its yours. No one else owns that choice but you and it was the right one for you at the time. One day, when you have a beautiful, smart, adorable baby you will appreciate your family more than ever. And it will have the chance to grow and be successful. But for now, focus on yourself. You need to grow too, grow to be the person you know is in there trapped, shocked into silence by a traumatic experience. Not anymore though, let her free.

Always know how much I love you, and we will get past this and move on together; stronger and more determined than ever.

Forever and Always;
Me