goddamn it. goddamn you. I swear, if i don’t talk to you, i’m perfectly fine. i flirt with plenty of guys, and have boyfriends now and then. but every time you talk to me, it’s like you push some “reset” button. i can’t help it. whenever i talk to you, i can’t help but smile. my heart gets all excited and my breathing quickens and shallows. this can’t happen. it CANNOT. we tried this once. i was so in love with you. we were so happy, it was insane. i can remember almost every little detail of being with you. i’ll never forget that time we climbed on the roof of our high school and you helped me up from the trashcan. ha ha. we heard a teacher up there and instead of ducking down like you did, i tried to run. the gravel crunched under my feet, but the teacher kept walking anyways. you called me “stupid”, but the smile on your face and your eyes just told me you loved me even if i did sometimes make the wrong decision. that summer was the best summer of my life, and i’m not even being over-dramatic. school started up again after that, and we somehow made it through that year too. that summer, well, it wasn’t like it was the last time. and by the time school came, i could tell you had changed. all your new friends, god, how i hated them. but i realized you were entitled to your own friends. then they started to say a bunch of shit. telling people i was cheating on you with my best friend, that i was using you. yeah, right. me, use you. all i wanted was to be with you and stay happy forever. it became difficult to be with you. you were so…emotionless. you would say you loved me and all that, but it felt like you didn’t care. if i cared about ANYTHING, you questioned it and told me it was ridiculous unless i had “reasoning” for it. you kicked me out of my own car AT ANOTHER HOUSE to walk to your house so you could drop off YOUR friend. a friend that i HATED. and you didn’t even care. looking back though, i wasn’t perfect either. everyday i would bitch at your for something or another. i was trying to so hard to make up what you lacked in feeling. sometimes when i would yell at you, i would think about it afterward and realize i shouldn’t have. that i was overreacting. i could never tell you that. that would mean admitting defeat. something you were so good at doing, and i just couldn’t face. the day i decided i “had” to leave you, i yelled at you. i told you not to touch me, but you tackled me and held me down anyways. you said you would hold me until i told you i wasn’t mad at you anymore. i wriggled out of your grasp and left. a few days later, and i was raging at you again. but this time, i thought i knew what had to be done. you didn’t seem interested in fixing it and i was tired of trying to yell you into motivation. i was crying so hard i could barely tell you that i wanted to be alone for awhile. you told me i shouldn’t cry over something i didn’t want. but it wasn’t like that, i DID want it. i wanted it so much it hurt, but it wasn’t the same. i’ll never forget the words you said to me that day, “are you sure you don’t want to work it out?”. i was so mad, so upset, and your fucking brother was hanging off my car. i shook my head and you accepted it. you hugged me and left in your car and i left in mine.
it took less than a day to realize i’d made a mistake. how could i go back though? how could i go back to yelling? to feeling like you didn’t care? to coming in second to your friends and their stupid-ass opinions? the day after we broke up, i accidentally grabbed your hand to hold to class. you told me you loved me, and you would take me back. i guess i should’ve said yes. i didn’t.
for awhile, i cried every time i heard those songs. i cried when i looked at that picture of us. when i told you i loved you in the hallway by accident, i wanted to die. you played it off so casually by saying you loved me too and we hugged and you ran off to class. but i meant it. without meaning to mean it, i meant it. if that even made sense.
i don’t cry anymore. i just get a yearning feeling. i get excited when you talk to me. i still want you back, after all this time. the only problem is, i don’t know if it’s you i’ll be getting.