To The Stalker In My Apartment:
I wish that I had never decided to room with you. We were cool at first, but my god, I never thought that it would turn out like this. I need to say a few things to you.
First, leave me the hell alone. When I am home and my door is shut, DO NOT come barging in and block me from leaving my room. If the door is shut, I obviously do not want to interact with you. I don’t want to see some random picture of a girl you facebook stalk and talk shit about. I don’t want to see another stupid youtube video about a baby laughing or a cat crying. I DON’T CARE. I stopped pretending to care a while ago, and you still continue to show me these things. So please, if my door is shut, do not disturb. Also, when I go into the kitchen, it is not necessary for you to come stalk me out there. EVERY TIME I GO IN TO THE KITCHEN, you come barging out of your room like a freakin rhinoceros. I don’t go into the kitchen to talk or be blocked in, I go to get food and drink. THAT IS ALL. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have talked to you. I hate how I have to wait until you leave just so I can go out into my apartment and have peace and quiet.
Second, when I go into the bathroom, DO NOT follow me in there! Why on earth would you follow someone into the bathroom. We will never be those type of friends that will pee in front of each other, and when I go into the bathroom I do not want to be followed. Also, don’t have a full on conversation with me while I’m in there. Is there nowhere I can go in our apartment where I can be alone? Also, when I try to leave the bathroom, get out of my fucking way. I don’t understand why you have to block me from ever exiting a room. I’m going to eventually have to push you out of the way or shut the door in your face because you are just not getting the hint.
Third, our cat doesn’t understand a fucking word you are saying. The walls are thin, and I am tired of hearing you yelling at the cat. HE CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU. Shouting “get off the table!” will not make him get off of the table. Also, he’s not a stupid, ugly, retarded cat, so stop calling him names. You sound ridiculous.
Fourth, you need to get over your relationship. You did not date for that long, you fought ALL THE TIME, and it’s over. GET OVER IT. You both were rushing in to things and that was your own fault. I don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Fifth, stop being such a cynic. Not every man in the world is going to break your heart. I don’t want to hear about how every guy just wants sex, and that they all are stupid and ignorant. Obviously that’s not the truth.
Sixth, not every guy likes you or thinks you are attractive. You are overweight, have facial hair, and are extremely unapproachable. Just because you have big boobs does not make you hot. The only good thing about your boobs is that it balances out your body shape, Without those, you would be just extremely fat looking. I laugh on the inside everyday when you come and tell me a guy was totally checking you out and that you saw the hottest guy today and he was flirting with you. A HOT GUY DOES NOT TALK TO YOU EVERYDAY. You are not the hottest commodity in this town, and I know for a fact that you over exaggerate, so I doubt that this happens even 20% of the time. Also, quit talking about how you just want to hook up with guys, but won’t because you know they will fall in love with you. Seriously? You honestly believe this? YOU are the one with the issues. You always talk about how you just want to hook up with someone. Well guess what: NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. You are way too insecure to ever do that. I’ll be surprised if you even have sex or be intimate with someone in the next 5 years because you are so cynical.
Seventh, quit whining about your life. Just once I would like to come home and not be ambushed by you about how crappy your life is and how you’ll never be in a relationship again and blah blah BULLSHIT. Grow up, face reality. Your breakup wasn’t the end of the world. Stop dwelling on it and grow the fuck up.
Lastly, get your own life. Do your own thing. Go out, have fun, make some friends, I don’t care, JUST BACK THE FUCK OFF. I regret having ever moved in with you and I cannot WAIT until our lease is up.
Shut the fuck up already,
your roommate who can’t stand being around you anymore.