I understand that you’re clinically depressed. I get that sometimes when he doesn’t know how to say the right things, you need someone else to talk to. I would love to be that person and I love helping you through situations that I’ve been through before. I always want to be the person you fall back on if you need it and I want to help you stop feeling how you’re feeling. But guess what? You can’t be the center of fucking attention all the fucking time.
If you think you have problems, let me share mine. You already know most of them, which is even more surprising with your attitude. I am going through the same exact thing, if not worse. I am physically killing myself twice a day every day to reach a perfection I’ll never have. I’m trying to be something that not only will I never be, but never even slightly resemble. I know that you don’t like your school and you need support. Even though I love my school, I still need some fucking support! You’re in a long distance relationship and it’s tough? Yeah well you’re 2 hours away from your happiness. I’m 12 hours away.
I am not saying that you are not entitled to your feelings. Believe me, everyone has something they need to talk about and everyone has their own problems. One cannot compare their problems to the other person’s, as I have before. Right now I am speaking out of anger because you can’t see that the love and attention I give to you so nonexistent towards me. Right now, I am speaking to you. I messaged you first because I feel like dying. You know that I am having a difficult time with everything right now, but of course, we are addressing only your problems. We are speaking about how you don’t think you’ll ever be good enough. And I know that it’s a legitimate fear, so I will counsel you the best I can. But don’t you think that I don’t think I’m good enough, either? Why do you think I’m trying to be skinny as death? Because I want to finally be good enough at something. I want to win one for myself. And I know that’s stupid, but I don’t care.
When I help you out, I put everything down because I know how destructive these thoughts can be and I know that they sometimes lead to regrets. I am applying everything I have ever learned in every book and treatment center I’ve been to help you get through. I say many things that help. I am a chatterbox. I respond quickly to everything you need because I don’t want you to think that I am ignoring you. I want you to feel like the important person you are. But what the fuck about me? When I message you, I am literally BEGGING you to answer back. When I tell you my problems, I have to wait 10-15 minutes for a response. And then I only get those when I ask you if you’re still there. You are so much more talkative when you need help and I am too, but I need that same support! There is only so much I can handle without getting my problems out before I crumble. Yesterday I begged for help. I told you that I really needed to talk. And you responded “I have homework, but I can try.” Yeah, you said you’d try, but what the hell answer is that?!? I have homework, too! I have a life! I have something that I need to do, too! I am having so many problems but you cannot be bothered by them. How do I respond to that? My biggest fear is to burden people with myself, which is why I want to become so small no one knows me anymore. I said I could hold it in and you said NOTHING. My problems are not nearly as important as yours. Forgive me for even suggesting it. And then, when I DO have the chance to talk to you, you are so harsh. You tell me to stop eating and throwing up and starving myself. You tell me that what I think is not right and I just have to get that. You tell me that maybe the easiest way to deal with it is to break up with him. To just stop! It’s that easy, I completely forgot. Thanks for helping me out with that.
Right now, I’m dealing with dangerous thoughts. I am dealing with maintaining a certain image and GPA. Right now, I am dealing with a boyfriend that I love so much, but that I feel is taking me for granted. And I am afraid to tell him because I don’t want to seem controlling, even though I know in the end, it would probably work out. But I just want to stop messing things up! I want to stop making other people’s priorities my problems. That is why I need so much help…because without you asking me what is wrong I bottle it up and tell myself to deal with it. When you have other things to do or when you ignore the calls for help that take so much energy out of me, you are only reinforcing the fact that I am not allowed to be listened to. That my problems are not nearly as important as other people’s in the world. That I have to find a way to deal with it myself. And you know what? Fuck you. I will find a way to hold it in and deal with it even if it eats me up and spits me out a broken person in the end. Because it’s my only option and you have reminded me of that. Thank you for the reminder.
Dear bitch, I love you so much. I wish you so much success in your life. I hope you succeed as whatever you want to be. But never become a psychologist, because you will help them kill themselves.
-Love not outlet for ED and Depression