I’m sorry to whine so much, but I really need to get this off my chest.
Why the fuck do you get to have all these normal high school experiences and be happy while I suffer in silence? Why do you need the bond with C when in fact you’re perfectly fine and not depressed? While you’ve ruminated on your charisma and confidence, obsessing over boys, going to parties, and doing things you’ll regret in the morning, I’ve been sufferring from deep depression–to the point where it was difficult for me to speak some days–have felt suicidal at points, have struggled to come to terms with my sexuality, and am so lonely and isolated from others it’s hard to speak it aloud.
The only thing that has kept me from committing suicide has been the relationship I have with Chris, who will also never know the impact he has had on my life. Those once a week phone calls with him where I was able to let my guard down and whisper all of the things I was TRULY dealing with have kept me going more than anything. While my family was falling apart and I felt like I had no friends (and this is ignoring my sexuality struggle which in and of itself was enough of a reason to have depression), where were you to help? You’re a good-time friend; when things are great and happy you’re right next to me but as soon as things get difficult you flee, with support no where to be seen? How is this fair? You have no idea what has gone on right before your very eyes in the past five years because you’ve been too self-obsessed to notice anyone else. Please stop complaining about your boyfriend. At least you can tell people about your relationship and be openly upset and look for support from others when you break up. When something similar to that happens to me, I have to make up excuses and put on a brave face in school when in reality all I want to do is break down in tears sobbing. This is going to sound uuber bitchy (it is) but what gives you the right to sob in every class when your boyfriend of only 2 FUCKING MONTHS breaks up with you? Do you have any idea of how many times I’ve had to restrain myself from breaking down and crying in the middle of advisory? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve thought about suicide–even on the last day of school before winter break? No, you don’t, and you never will because you are incapable of seeing beyond yourself. I’m so frustrated and angry that life worked out the way it did. I know what I’m feeling is incredibly immature, but I honestly don’t care anymore. I’m jealous of your life, and how easy you have it. I wish I could connect with others the way you do, because right now, I really, really need those connections. You’re probably talking and bonding with Ms. Cupp right now, too, and that alternately makes me want to cry and punch a wall simultaneously, as pathetic as it is. I want to run away from this place, this situation, this LIFE, but that’s a coward’s way out, and I wouldn’t be accomplishing or fixing anything by doing so. I don’t want to feel like I have to run away. When I graduate high school come June 9th, 2011, I will leave having accomplished nothing except for getting a diploma. I leave this place more unsure of myself, far more lonely, and with fewer connections to others. I need something more than this to hang on to.