• Benny

    by  • March 5, 2011 • Confusion, Fear, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    You’re so beautiful, it hurts. It’s been a long time and I want to see your face. This is ugly. Penelope waited 20 years. I wait three weeks. I just don’t know how well I’ll handle this. Look at you. Now look at me. Which of these doesn’t belong? Odysseus lived with Kalypso for seven years. So why don’t I believe you? Because you’re different. Hamlet hated his mother. We have nothing in common. Oedipus killed his father. Why do I keep comparing you to college? Where is the life I always wanted? And why is someone else living it? I just need a couple days. No, I’m not alright. Why can’t you hear that? Look at me when I’m yelling at you. Look at this face. Doesn’t it make you sick? It makes me sick. Look at where we are. We’re making excuses and we’re forgiving ourselves. I’ve locked my heartbeat away because you already have my heart. I hope you’re taking good care of it, because I miss it, sometimes. I want to fly. Fly far away and pretend that I’m not hurting anyone. I never wanted to hurt you. Do you see that? You’re two different people and I never wanted to compare you to him. I don’t think I’ll post this one. It’ll just be here and lie. Or something like that. Some things need to be secrets, Benny. Otherwise, we just end up hurting the ones we love for no reason at all. I can’t explain this to you. I know I love you. I know I want to prove that to you. But why do I have to prove it at all? Don’t you trust it? I know I’m the root to all your problems. I’ve shattered this. I’ve forgotten where all the dreams go – when they go over the rainbow. I don’t want to talk about it. But I’m leaving. I’m finding me. Stay in Laramie this weekend. Yes, I love you. Yes, we’re fine. But no, I don’t want to see you. I want to remember what I had going for me before I met you. Look at me. I was everything to myself. Now I have you and people are always around me. They’re holding my hands and pulling my hair. They’re tracing fingertips along my arms and touching the back of my neck. They’re pretending you don’t exist and sometimes I want to pretend right along with them. Oh, trust me, Benny, if there was something I could change, it would be me. I would give you someone you deserve. Look at me when I’m crying. Do you see? I say I’d give up everything, but in reality, I loved who I was. I was a pretty girl with a future. When I see where we’re going, I get scared. I don’t want to lose you, Benny. My whole life, I’ve been coddled. My parents, teachers, friends, fuck it – even my enemies. And now I have you. And you coddle me, too. When you leave, I’ll have nothing. I don’t know how to be strong anymore. Do you see that? Do you understand? That I’m so in love with you that I don’t know how to fight anymore. That I don’t know how to hold my own. I’m half of us and nothing of what I was. It’s terrifying.

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