• WTF?

    by  • March 4, 2011 • Anger, Betrayal, Buck up!, Confusion, Eff Off - You - or Up, Frustration, Grief, Heartbreak, Knock it Off, Loneliness, Love - Pure and Simple, Self-Esteem, Sex, To You, Yearning • 0 Comments

    You come into my life and I push everything else to the side and I can’t fucking stand it! You’re telling me everything I want to hear and no one ever, ever really means that shit. I’m someone you can visit and fuck on the occasional weekend while you continue dating whoever in the local area. You make it fucking impossible to say this shit to your face because you fly off into a rage. By the way, every guy I ever caught in any kind of lie always goes onto the offensive–why are you being a bitch? Quit treating me like this. Rather than the defensive–why do you think that? You’re the only one I want. Granted I probably wouldn’t believe that either but it’s a much better indicator of fucking honesty. And way more honest than you’re being with me. You are on these websites all the time and its bullshit. If you “care” for me so much, why the fuck are you on these websites?!? I understand the whole pick to be with you because I want to be with you. But if you are truly happy with me right now, you wouldn’t be on those fucking dating sites!

    Dating sites are for people who are looking to date other people or for a relationship. What the fuck is wrong with just seeing me right now? I mean, I would understand if you were at a party and met someone, struck up a conversation, and realized hey, I think I could fuck her, gave me a call (because texting would be so impersonal) and let me know you were going to fuck her. Totally different. You weren’t actively looking. It just happened. And you would be doing it because that was what made you happy. And that’s what we’re going for here right? To make sure both of us are happy. I would understand if someone new started at your work, and you thought–hey I could fuck her too, gave me a call and then letting me know that you were thinking you might fuck her too. I wouldn’t be angry. I would be hurt of course. But not angry because you weren’t actively looking on a fucking dating site. actively looking to find someone, anyone else besides me! Because of course I can’t make you happy. Apparently I have some sort of horrible flaw that you can’t bring yourself to tell me about. After everything you said to me these last few weeks, why are you on these websites?!?

    You are the reason why I am so cynical about the world. You are the reason why I can never trust men. You are the reason why I can never fully expose myself to a man. You are the reason why I crawl back into my shell and retreat from life. You are the reason why I cry silently and often. You are the reason why I drink too much, why I smoke too much. You are the reason why I force myself into numbness. You are the reason why I have to turn my music off when a certain song comes on. You are the reason why I throw myself into work of any kind. You are the reason why I toss and turn with what-ifs in my mind. You are the reason I can’t ever sleep. You are the reason I don’t eat. And yet even after you’ve broken my heart into a thousand pieces, I will still see your good side. I will still think fondly of things we’ve talked about. I will still remember what it felt like to lie next to you in bed. I will still and probably always love you and I can’t fucking stand it.

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