• jkjbnm,kj

    by  • March 4, 2011 • Disappointment, Family Stuff, Frustration, Grief, Parents • 0 Comments

    So why is it that people refuse to change? I can’t say how many times I’ve tried to make you change. I just don’t fucking get it. I mean, who wants to be like that all the time? What’s the benefit? Do you feel so much better about yourself? I feel like your pride has totally taken over you. It kills me to see you, of everyone to be like this. Why can’t you just be real with me? Why do you put up such a fake front? It’s hard for me to say that i love you dad, but it’s like that’s what you’re trying to do…you act like everything i do is nothing, and every wrong thing i do…well, you know what you do. When I do something wrong it’s like i’m the biggest disappointment ever, you do your routine. But when I actually do something good, or right, you still act like it’s a disappointment. Why? I don’t get it anymore…as much I can’t stand you, I still want your acceptance and approval. I don’t know why I want that, I can’t explain it, but I’ve always wanted it. I feel like since i was a kid, i always felt this weird feeling. I want you to be proud of me, but at the same time I absolutely can’t stand you. You know I can’t remember a time when you’ve said that you’re proud of me? I remember when I use to play basketball, you hated going to my games. You would always bring a book or a puzzle or something instead of watching me. I know i sucked dad, but the only reason i wanted you to watch me was because knowing that you were watching me made me feel so strong, it made me feel like you were watching me, cheering me on not because i successfully passed the ball, but because you believed in me. Instead of this I got the typical scene; you sitting in the stand reading youre stupid science fiction book..I asked you after the game that my team had lost, if you thought i was a good player. you said,”well, you missed all your shots, and you didn’t really keep up with the other girls.” it kinda hurt, but what really hurt was I asked you if you were proud of me. you didn’t reply, you simply laughed and put on the radio. dad i know you think it’s a little thing from years ago and I’m being childish, but i never forgot that day and how you made and make me feel…to this day you’ve never once said the words, ” I’m proud of you.” Why the fuck not??? Even if you don’t mean it, why can’t you fucking say it? You are unbelievably hurtful. Anytime we talk on the phone it ends up in a yelling fight in which you’re explaining to me how bad i fucked things up and how ridiculous it is that i made a mistake. I don’t get you. I feel like we’re strangers to each other…and i gave up a while ago on trying to change that, in hope that you’d do something. Once again you feel through. I don’t know anymore, I wish i had a different dad.

    Related Post

    Leave a Reply