Dear everyone in my life,
I can’t breathe… at least it feels that way sometimes. I want to scream when I’m at school and when I’m home i want to crawl underneath the blankets in my bed and sleep it all away. I don’t who i am and i honestly don’t think I’ll ever accomplish much. I’m a loser, a fucking loser.
I’m pathetic and depressed all the time. I wish things could go back to the way they were, you know? I almost wish i could throw myself on the ground and kick and scream like I’m in “my terrible twos.” I wonder what would happen if i did that. Would you lock me up and give me pills? Would you sit me down and tell me it will be okay? Would you hand me a stuffed animal and play with my hair until i stop?
I always thought that if i was ever given the chance to go back and relive it, to change things, i would, i’d go back even if i couldn’t change it, even if things would still end up as shitty as they are now.
I’d go back just to be able to take it all in once more even if it means going through the hurt all over again. I want to be four and trying on “daddy’s” shoes, i want to be seven and begging “mommy” not to let me grow up. I want to be innocent and happy again.
I want to sit at that table one more fucking time, i want to hear his laugh fill the house and i want to see the way her smile when she picks me up from school. I want to share a room with her and watch dumb mtv shows.
I even want to stay up late waiting for his drunken soul to get home even if it means being scared shitless from the person i’m suppose to be calling daddy. I want that sense of security when she’d go with me to my room and tell me it was going to be okay.