• Why’d you make me think forever?

    by  • February 27, 2011 • Depression, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love • 3 Comments

    W,

    When I met you I wasn’t looking for love, but you showed up. My parents were going through a divorce and my sister was trying to kill herself. I didn’t know where I would be living the next week and I was only 15 and so alone and so scared. But I’d gotten used to doing it on my own, I was so strong of a person and I had pride in that. The first time we kissed was horrible, no matter how warped your perception of it was. But as we went on, I started to need you. I needed you to walk in the commons after first hour and give me a hug. I needed you to text me goodnight. I needed to you. And that scared me because I didn’t want to need you, I couldn’t need you. I couldn’t need anyone. I’ve had to rely on myself for as long as I can remember. I couldn’t fall in love because I knew deep down romantic love doesn’t last. I think adults that are married are almost always staying in the marriage because of their children or for some other reason. I believe one can love their friends and their family but real love, the kind of love everyone wants so badly…it’s not real. Or maybe it is real but it’s just never meant to last. And I tried to love before but I never let myself need someone’s happiness in order to have my own. And I was starting to feel that with you. So I met up with you after practice and I broke things off, got out of your car, and walked away. I didn’t look back but as I walked farther away from you I started crying harder and harder. They say there is nothing sadder than to watch the one you love walk away after they have left you, to watch the distance between you expand until there is nothing left but space and silence. I’m sorry for doing that to you.

    Over the next few days I cried constantly, I had this aching in my heart from missing you and a lump in my throat. But you fought for me. You told me you’d never wanted anything so badly in your life and you’d do anything to make it happen. That not all people are the same and not everyone leaves. My whole life people have left. My mother and my sister both suffer from clinical depression and don’t want to be on this earth everyday. I’ve watched every boy my sister had fallen in love with crumble because the love wasn’t stronger than depression and they couldn’t deal. And now my dad was leaving. As far as I was concerned you are born alone and you die alone so you only have yourself to rely on. I didn’t want to feel how I did about you because I knew someday you’d figure out that I’m not worth it. But you fought, God. You fought. And finally I couldn’t imagine life without you and I forgot why I ever broke it off in the first place. Everyone said you were beneath me and I could be with someone who was much more attractive…and I think that’s what attracted me the most to you at first. I thought maybe if I date someone less attractive than me, I won’t get my heart broken. And you convinced me you were different. You worshipped me and I did everything in my power to make you happy. I was always trying to please you and you were doing the same for me and months went by. You became my universe. I didn’t want to see anyone that wasn’t you. You were so patient with me and never pressured me to do anything I wasn’t ready to do. And I knew you were leaving me soon. I tried to prepare myself. There wasn’t a second apart this summer. I gave you my virginity and everything was so perfect. When I would get frustrated with you, you’d chase me in the rain. We’d sneak out of the house and go to the park and watch the stars until day break.And we ran away from home and went up north and laid on the beach together.

    The day you left we both cried our eyes out. I’ve never seen a boy cry so much. I watched you turn back so many times before you rode away on that bike. But I wasn’t ready for you to leave, and truth is I would’ve never been ready. And I was mad at you for it. You knew it too. We never had a real fight until you left. But when you did they were all the time. I just wanted you to make me feel the way you used to. You were starting this whole new chapter of your life and it felt like there wasn’t room for me anymore. I didn’t get how that was possible. I planned my whole life around you. I was willing to give up anything for you. We talked about getting married and having children and mapped everything out. Why did you do this to me? Why did you make me think forever? You promised me you were different. God how could I be so stupid. I looked to someone who knew us both for constant consolation. I used him more as a therapist than as a friend. He eventually told me he couldn’t be my friend anymore because someone else’s life was more important than my own and I had changed. I never denied it. You had so many more things going for you than I did, you were a better person. Your life was more valuable than mine. And I don’t know what changed inside of your heart but you didn’t feel the same about me anymore. I felt us slipping away. Talking less and less each day and when we fought you wouldn’t chase me anymore. And all I needed was the tiniest chase, to let me know you still needed me. When you came home I threw myself on you to try and make you feel the same way you did. One night the condom broke, you bought me plan B and held me as I cried. But then you went back to school…1,000 miles away. And in the week of me bawling my eyes out because of missing my period you made up excuses as to why you couldn’t talk or be there for me because you had homework or practice or whatever. Do you think I’m that stupid? You were never busy before that. I think you realized that you didn’t want forever with me that night. Everything fell apart after that. We broke up for a day than got back together for a week on and off. But I still loved you so much. I needed you so badly. Couldn’t you see that? Next time you came home you fucked me once, and the next day took me to the mall where I bought you a fucking sweatshirt. Then broke my heart. You said you didn’t want to be half of me anymore and left me on the side of the road. That’s how much I meant to you, just trash to drop on the side of the road and drive away. After 13 months. I tried calling and texting but you wouldn’t answer me. I had panic attacks everytime anyone mentioned your name. I took anti anxiety pills and mixed them with vodka and after 11 days of you kicking me out of your life. I hooked up with a sophmore in college. You found out about it and for some reason that set you off. You finally texted me but it was to tell me I was a whore. I had a plan for what I would do the day you texted me, I was going to ignore it and let you feel the pain I did. But it all went out the window, I begged for you back. You told me you loved me then, but you followed it up with but you’re just not worth it. It doesn’t work that way. When you broke my heart you almost killed me. and the worst part of it is. I lost my best friend, you made me lose touch with everyone else and I couldn’t catch up. When you left, I did something I promised myself I’d never do. I got sad. and that scared the shit out of me. I’ve watched depression take my sister, and my mother, and I prided myself on not letting it touch me. But it was creeping up on me more and more every day. It’s hereditary, so I thought maybe I got it too. I’ve never been more scared. I told you so many times but you just wanted to fight about it. I didn’t want to fight, you used to know that. You used to know me. But you didn’t want to fight for me anymore. I wasn’t worth it anymore. All I wanted so badly was for you to come running after me and say, “I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” I wanted you so badly to be different. But in the end everyone leaves

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    3 Responses to Why’d you make me think forever?

    1. A.
      February 27, 2011 at 7:48 pm

      I’m not sure what to say to this, but I at least wanted to let you know that someone has read it. I hope you can heal from the bad experiences you have had.




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    2. Barbara
      February 27, 2011 at 8:26 pm

      I know my words may mean not much but please don’t give up hope. Hope that there is something bigger then us, hope that this something will never leave us no matter what. Have faith that you are stronger than depression and that you are braver than loneliness and that nothing will ever exhaust you. Life goes on and this special part that was meant for you, will be with you in time. Even though you have not been able to see it in your surrounding, true love does exist and is out there just waiting to be seen. For you and all of us.




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    3. Kirstyn
      February 28, 2011 at 3:08 pm

      I know im a complete stranger and may probably never know you, but i just want you to know that i’m sending you a little bit of hope, that someone out there is thinking of you and hoping that things look up for you. And that person is me.
      At the moment i’m pretty miserable, my boyfriend is far away, he’s my best friend and i need him, he keeps me safe and sane.
      And one day, i know it seems impossible, but one day there will be someone, lover/friend it doesn’t matter, someone will be there for you and will show you that you can be happy. Don’t let depression take over, you seem like a strong person and i admire that! I really do. I’m sending you hope. You may wish not to take it, but it’s always nice to know that someone out there cares. And i do.




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