I’ve tried to live without an ego for too long now.
I grew so fearful of hurting others, from the shame I felt in doing so a couple times–magnified by my sentimental nature and the emotional immaturity of some people I’ve come across–I never realized how much I was hurting me.
See, I clammed up–with my eyes all wide. I couldn’t talk, walk, smile… I wouldn’t let myself be myself.
Therefore, I couldn’t love myself. See, I tried my best to live by the philosophy, “I’ve heard you many times you’re better than no one and no is better than you. But if you really believe that, you know you have nothing to win and nothing to lose”.
And I wish this were the case, but with my eyes, I see things differently. I see the idiocy, hollowness, near spiritless condition of my age, or at least of the age I witness here. I see how in-genuine and unconscious so many of these people and entities have become, and how much success they’ve garnered in doing so.
Maybe it’s my altered eyes leading me to see this way. Maybe it’s the truth. How though, can I ever answer this tedious question? I can’t.
But this leads me to a backwards answer–how damn trivial the whole thing is. Why beat myself up and feel worse than these people? Why try to forcibly rise above with pointless arrogance?
No, I shall accept them for who they are and accept me for who I am, and who I’ve become. I will accept the fact that I see different things more important and that, in my opinion, these are better things to savor–to make sacred.
See, I know I have brothers and sisters out there who feel the same way. Just not here. Just none that I can find here right now. But I won’t let the fear of hurting someone (with my knowings and opinions) ruin the chance of finding my friends someplace in there, hidden.
haha, thanks for reading