I love you, but everything you said was true. We are changing and turning into different people and our desires in life have mutated and evolved. You’ve picked up new habits I don’t understand that stand for things we never liked. And you know how you told me that sometimes you just don’t feel like you want to talk to me anymore? I was surprised when you said it, but not from offense but instead because I feel the same way.
You’re no longer the first thing I think of when I wake up of the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. It’s Jess, and everything is as bad as you had feared. I have completely fallen, head over heels for her. And being attached to you, loosely, is keeping me from doing anything about it. And I’ve been feeling this way since October, when I first really got the chance to meet her. I will make no claims that she is perfect, nor “better” than you; and I’ll be the first to admit that out conversations flow so much easier than with her. But she is new, and I find her attractive and enthralling in ways I never did with you. Her body blows me away every time I see it, and I have to try my best not to stare but I can’t. And her personality is strong, spunky, but fragile. I know you can appreciate that because maybe she reminds me of a more gregarious version of you.
And I’m sorry, because if I ever told you this it would shatter your heart. I’m not sure if you’ll ever know. If somehow we manage to stay together in this long distance relationship despite your new “relationship” with this man of yours you spend all your time with, you’ll never know. Secretly though, I wish for us to take a break so I can pursue her, if she wants me now after 4 months of leading her on.
Fuck. How do people survive these things? Our romance is dead, we never talk, our sex life is non-existent, you’ve found a surrogate for me, and I want to try to love Jess. Lord knows I’m halfway there. You know I didn’t even cry to think about it at all last time I dropped you off at the airport? I was glad to see you go because I was tired of dealing with our broken down relationship.
We’ve had wonderful times together, and I’m too paralyzed to act on these feelings in case we have potential to work out and live a wonderful life together if we can push on through this. But every second I don’t follow my new desires, I feel like I might miss a chance of a lifetime too.
I want to do something, and there is absolutely no way for me to decide. I feel like I’m going to just crawl under a rock just to get away from the guilt.