• if one day i gathered up enough courage…

    by  • February 21, 2011 • Confession, Fear, Friends, Love - Pure and Simple, Smitten, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Hey there,

    I don’t know if you noticed lately, but we have kinda been talking a lot lately. So much that when I’m out and about with my friends, I find myself being the annoying girl that always references what you said/what we said/what I said to you. I guess what it comes down to is that I realized your words mean a lot more to me than I probably let on to you (and really, we just chat wayyy too much).

    So here’s the deal. I think you know me well enough to know these 3 things about me: 1/ I’m a direct girl 2/ I don’t like it when people play games 3/ I value honesty and straightforwardness in return. This is basically me putting myself out there, and I hate it. I hate that I couldn’t summon enough courage to just say it all to you, but honestly, I just feel that the eloquence of my words is best demonstrated in my writing ability rather the verbiage that sometimes comes out of my mouth.

    You asked me “what’s wrong” the other day, and I lied. I knew exactly what it was that had me sappy and listening to country. I was also lying to you about why you’re not “Ge Ge” (older brother) material. Because in truth, you are, but how am I supposed to tell you why then and there? I was trying to come to terms with the fact that despite how much I value our friendship and our amazing conversations, it was all beginning to mean more to me than a friendship. So yea, there’s this little thing called “like,” and I think I kinda like you.

    By the way, I just want you to know that I am definitely going against the advice of several well-intentioned and close friends that would probably disown me from being a girl because I’m putting myself out there (here) so much.

    Let’s get even more down and dirty about this. I would be lying if I said I would be ok if you didn’t like me back in the least, that this is merely a friendship. Yes, if you don’t reciprocate, I will be somewhat hurt, somewhat sad, somewhat fucked up for an undetermined amount of time. I’m really trying to be truthful about all this. I’m not trying to scare you. But you know what, it’s normal for me to feel all that. This all would be unnecessary and meaningless if I didn’t feel all that after such a response. I guess what I’m looking to do with this letter is to get it out there that I have some feelings that are a direct result of our interactions lately, and they don’t seem to be waning anytime soon.

    I also want to let you know what I value about our friendship, and what won’t change as a result of any possible outcomes of me sending this off to you. I might need a teeny break depending on all the “what ifs,” but I’ll spring back and be the same Hanna I have always been:

    •Gossip – yes I know you love how well connected I am and how I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut around you
    •Us making fun of people and in general being judgmental/critical/sarcastic/etc…
    •Our professional interactions in the TA community. Nothing could ever change how much I care about that
    •Our mutual love of food and talking about food
    •Etc. etc…there’s a lot more that I can’t really think of right now because I’m kinda preoccupied with ahem…other thoughts.

    So yea…maybe it was crazy of me to write this, maybe it was the wrong move, maybe I’m being too forward, but it needed to be said in one way or another. It’s a lot. I know. I’m kinda like that hurricane of craziness that you don’t expect but then BAM. Take it or leave it I guess.

    Regardless, take your time to digest it all. However, I would appreciate some type of acknowledgement that you got this and you’re not avoiding/hiding/running away from me.

    That’s all I got. Your move.

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