Dear “Friend”

I can’t believe you would think such things.. Such low and hurtful things.. I just can’t believe it.. Maybe you didn’t say it directly, but the implication was there. You know I would never do such things to myself. You KNOW. So why are you saying such hurtful things? Do you honestly think that I would deliberately not eat just to lose weight? You really think I’m that insecure to where I feel like I have to lose weight to make myself happy? To make myself beautiful or wanted or worth something? Well fuck that! Cause you know what? I know I’m beautiful! I use to be told so everyday, by you, and I finally started realizing it. I know I’m worth something and I know I’m wanted in this world! Maybe not by you, but by the people who really matter. And I know I don’t need to lose weight! I’m not trying to lose weight. I never TRIED to lose any weight. Yes, I may be happy about dropping nine pounds, but who wouldn’t be? What girl doesn’t want to lose weight? That doesn’t automatically mean I’m anorexic. Or that I’m “on the path” to becoming anorexic.

You’re doing the exact same thing that you always reprimanded me for. You’re assuming things. You say that you’re not. You say that you never said you thought I was anorexic. You say that I “twisted your words.” But what you don’t realize, is that saying I’m “on the path” to becoming anorexic is assuming that one day I will become it. You are assuming. You say you’re not, but you are.

You say you’re worried. You say you were never mad at me, just concerned. But if you were really concerned for me, you would have been here for me and would have tried to help me through this hard time. You wouldn’t just say, screw this, I’m not going to deal with another one like you. I mean seriously, if I was really anorexic, would you really just leave? You think that by not seeing me, speaking to me or being around me is what’s really best for me? You think that that shows how “concerned” you are for me? If anything, if I really was anorexic, that would probably just increase my anorexia. So congratulations. You got exactly what you were trying to prevent.

But you know what really bugs me? The fact that you never let me explain myself. You never give me the chance to really tell my side of the story, to try and explain my perspective. Yah, I’ll get a few things in, before you go all mad and tell me you’re going to hang up on me now. And yah, sure, you may listen to what I have to say, but you never really hear me. I always heard you. I always tried to look as if through your eyes, and how you’d be feeling in your situation. I always put myself in your shoes and walked a little ways. So what? You expect to be heard and understood but not hear and try to understand in return? Maybe that was the problem. I can’t always be the one giving and understanding, while you just sit there, letting me do all the work. You have to put a lot of time and effort into a relationship. I feel like I did. A lot of the time, I felt like you didn’t.

I was really happy. Yesterday. I was excited. And I wanted to share that excitement. And what do I get? A bunch of bullshit! For the first time in a long time I left that doctors office feeling happy and good about myself. For the first time in years, I stepped on that scale and found that I had lost weight, not gained it. And what do you do? You COMPLETELY crush my happiness, every little spark of it. You killed it. But what I had soon after realized, is that I didn’t have to let you tear my happiness apart. Yes, I LET you kill my joy. I allowed it. But why? Why have I always given you all the power? Why do I always put you on such a high pedestal? And then I’m left sitting there, feeling horribly guilty and terribly regretful. So no, I’m not going to give in this time. I’m not going to give you all the power by placing all the blame upon myself, like I ALWAYS do. I always blamed myself for simply speaking my mind to you, or for defending myself. I always felt remarkably horrible for just being honest with you. But I shouldn’t have. I have every right to speak my mind. And isn’t that what relationships are all about anyway? Communication. You need to be able to speak openly and honestly with your partner. If you can’t, or if you simply don’t want to, everything will come crashing down. And that’s exactly what happened, isn’t it? So if I knew that communication is so “key” to every relationship, why would I constantly feel bad for telling you what’s on my mind? Why would it always come back to haunt me? Like a recurring dream… Well, I finally found the answer to that question. Simply enough, I was afraid of losing you. Yes, I thought that if I didn’t immediately apologize after “making an ass of myself,” that you would leave me. That you would figure that you don’t want to deal with it, you wouldn’t want to fight for it. You wouldn’t want to fight for me. Because you told me yourself, you wouldn’t fight for me.

Well, you know what? Not this time. I’m not going to let myself put all the blame on myself, once again. I’m finally going to put my foot down. For the first time ever since we’ve been together, I’m not going to give you all the power. I’m not going to feel horrible or guilty because this time, you hurt me. For the first time, I’m going to let myself be angry with you. And for the first time, I’m not going to come running back to you, apologizing almost instantly, like I always do. No, not this time. Because I’m no longer afraid of losing you. Not anymore.

Why do I have to defend myself on this? I shouldn’t have to. Why are you even thinking this in the first place? You shouldn’t be. Why are you hurting me so much? I shouldn’t be letting you get to me. But I do. You are. And I am.

You really hurt me this time..

Sincerely, Hurt and Disappointed