Archive for February 21st, 2011

i hope you know

Dear you;

I Hope you realize that I spend majority of my time thinking about you. Thinking about what it would be like if we were together. I’ve always wanted to date you. We have never ever come out about our feelings toward each other & it kills me. Only to know that when i have you so close to being mine, you get “bored” and then never get in touch with me. Until you get bored with whomever you were with you come back to me. Only to play mind games for a couple months. It is actually really annoying but it is the only time I ever think we truly connect with one another. I really like you and i have for the past few years we’ve known each other. I hope the best for the two of us, and I hope that one day we will explore one another and see where we could go.

With love, Tina.

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Please

Please trust me. I’ve given you my life.

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if one day i gathered up enough courage…

Hey there,

I don’t know if you noticed lately, but we have kinda been talking a lot lately. So much that when I’m out and about with my friends, I find myself being the annoying girl that always references what you said/what we said/what I said to you. I guess what it comes down to is that I realized your words mean a lot more to me than I probably let on to you (and really, we just chat wayyy too much).

So here’s the deal. I think you know me well enough to know these 3 things about me: 1/ I’m a direct girl 2/ I don’t like it when people play games 3/ I value honesty and straightforwardness in return. This is basically me putting myself out there, and I hate it. I hate that I couldn’t summon enough courage to just say it all to you, but honestly, I just feel that the eloquence of my words is best demonstrated in my writing ability rather the verbiage that sometimes comes out of my mouth.

You asked me “what’s wrong” the other day, and I lied. I knew exactly what it was that had me sappy and listening to country. I was also lying to you about why you’re not “Ge Ge” (older brother) material. Because in truth, you are, but how am I supposed to tell you why then and there? I was trying to come to terms with the fact that despite how much I value our friendship and our amazing conversations, it was all beginning to mean more to me than a friendship. So yea, there’s this little thing called “like,” and I think I kinda like you.

By the way, I just want you to know that I am definitely going against the advice of several well-intentioned and close friends that would probably disown me from being a girl because I’m putting myself out there (here) so much.
(more…)

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17

Dear the people I know at 17,

I’m sorry. I know who I am is neither healthy nor fun. I know it’s not right to believe, not just think but truly deep down believe, that nothing I say or do is good enough without your approval. I’m sorry I have too many opinions and I’m sorry I get upset.

I could blame the ones who made me, but what good would that do? To blame them would be to blame their parents and so on. Better to take the responsibility for my own shortcomings, my own mistakes. And, boy have I made a lot of them.

I love you all. You’re the shiny happy people I can never be. It makes me smile when I see you happy and chatty, unafraid of the people around you and life in general. I blame you for nothing. I’m twisted and broken, not you. You are good people, who have tried to be my friends, before each of you in your turn have realised what I really am. Who and what I am drove you away. And that’s ok.

You shiny happy people can be sad too. But I hope that you have long days and happy nights. I hope you grow up, get married and have shiny happy kids. But if they’re kids like me, here’s some advice. Hug them lots and tell them they’re not freaks. Reward their accomplishments and confort their mistakes. Try not to hate them, they don’t hate you. They just don’t understand you. We the dark and hurt can’t understand those who aren’t. Don’t let them lose you because of that.

Be happy. Even if I never make it there, and am always misunderstanding on the outside, be happy. Do not take responsibility for my mistakes. Grow, flourish and forget me. I will keep you in my heart always, and will always, even in my darkest hour, wish you well.

All the love I have to give,
The girl who isn’t ready to be known.

PS I’m getting better.

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Why?

Why do you insist on complicating my life and leaving yours as simple as can be? Where did fairness lose its meaning?

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I don’t think it’s too late.

Three years ago, we were absolutely inseparable. I feel like such an asshole because I never truly appreciated how much you cared and that you would do anything for me. Also, you helped me come to the realization of being a gay woman. When you told me you had feelings for me, it freaked me out. I didn’t know how to handle a girl liking me. Deep down, I felt the exact same way but I supressed them due to my own personal fear of being open about my sexuality.

Today, we are no longer friends and our conversations are rare and minimal. What I also have come to know today is, I’m comfortable with who I am. You made this all happen for me. But what really makes me angry is now you are with a man and you don’t care about me anymore. I know I really fucked up but, I love you. I know that now. I hope you realize it’s never too late and I’ll be waiting because I know in my heart we’re perfect for eachother.

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One year

This letter, I’ll never send it to you.

Even if those words are burning my tongue every single day, I want to shout and I want you to hear what I really want to say. I’ve tried several times to reach you in every possible ways and I feel like I’m failing again and again.

It’s been one year now and I’m still thinking about it.

I gave up on you for a very long time, knowing from the very first cut that you’ll never love me for who I am, and that I’ll never be the one able to light your days, your hopes and your future. I knew it from the beginning that we would never be what i ever wanted just because you’re not made for me as long as I’m not made for you. But you gave me hopes, you made me think that all those stuff would be real and not only a fantasy of my imagination. You did it on purpose and very properly.

And for a time I believed that you really cared about me.

You’ve always been so special to me, a kind of connection between us and as well a kind of distance. How could you explain that you came back to me so many times? Bodies’ attraction can be poor sometimes and you proved it to me, not once, not twice but so many times that I thought you were just scared about being with me or losing your freedom. I deeply fell in love with you. And you played with my feelings. Until this point. Until this day when we crossed the line. And it wasn’t only me, it was you too. First time for me that I saw in your eyes affection for me. You made me feel so special. The only one in the world. The way you kissed me, you looked at me, you touched me.
(more…)

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Karma

I truly am sorry. I know you’ll never believe it, but it’s the truth. I was cruel, selfish, inconsiderate, and self-seeking. I never deserved your kindness, generosity, or your compassion.

I was once told all boys are bullfrogs… that they leave you with warts. How was I to know it was the other way around? Though I broke your heart in so many ways, I never understood why or how until much, much later.

I put all of the love, trust, acceptance, and passion I hid from you to someone else. Someone not remotely deserving. I thought I could change him, save him, make him a better person. I didn’t realize he had no desire to change and didn’t believe in himself in the least.

What else can I say? Karma kicked me while I was down.

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Fuck you.

Fuck you for staying in my life when I don’t want you any more. It’s been 10 months. Get out. Leave. Leave my mind. Leave my thoughts. Leave my dreams. You haven’t even spoken a word to me since that day, but your still corrupting my every day happiness. Others have loved me, but I keep comparing them to you. To your eyes, blue like the summer sky. Their hair, how soft yours was, like a silk pillow case, where I could always rest my head. How you’d lay on my lap & let me run my fingers though it for hours. We’d sit and eat and watch tv, or play video games. We could go for walks, visit with family. We could do any thing we wished. I miss that.

Get out.

I’m done with you, but you won’t leave my soul. I spend 9/10 of my time thinking about you. Quit letting me do this. Quit letting me randomly see you with her. Her. The best friend I used to have. The one you went to when I messed up. I don’t need you anymore anyway. I have him. He loves me. I love him.

Don’t I?

I can’t talk about you, it upsets him, & besides, everyone thinks I’m over you. Ha. If only. I long for the day when I can think of you and not care. I long for the day when I don’t need to think about you at all.

Fuck you, for making me love you. Fuck you, for taking my love with you when you left. Give it back. I don’t want to want you anymore. Get out, I want to be done.

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Get out of my head.

I am getting married. In about 4 months actually. I love my future husband. With all my heart. I loved you. And parts of me still do, but not in the same way. The difference is though, that he loves me. He loves me in a pure and true way that you never did. There is no selfishness in his love for me. There are no lies or deceit. There is nothing, but love and longing to make me happy. I would rather spend a day with him than eternity with you. The problem is: you are still in my head.

I think about you sometimes when I hear a song that you like or that you would like if I had you listen to it. I think about you sometimes when I drive past a place we visited together. I think about talking to you sometimes. Or what you would say to me if I did talk to you. The worst part though::: I dream about you.

I hate these dreams with everything I possess. They are awful remembrances of things that never existed. They are lies that penetrate my peaceful sleep. The you in my dreams does not, did not, and will not ever exist. Not only that but I don’t want you.

I want him. I will always want him. You had your chance and you blew it. I loved you and you were an ass. A complete and total ass. But its cool. I don’t care. I am even grateful because without you treating me the way that you did I would not know the love that I do now.

Basically. I just want you to get out of my head. You have no place being there and you are simply not welcome. There is no part of me that belongs to you. It’s done. And I would not have it any other way.

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