• TORTURED NO MORE! :)

    by  • February 20, 2011 • Breaking Up, Cheating, Frustration, Grief, Letting Go, Lost Love, Moving On • 0 Comments

    Dear ex-“Punky”,

    Yeah you got that nickname cuz I called you a punk so much – but looking back, you weren’t a punk, you were just a jerk. Luckily, I’ve trained you to improve in that department, but I can’t change the fact that you will always be boring, with your boring family, and your lazy, lack of ambition. Not to mention your tendencies towards infidelity.

    I also can’t change the fact that you cyber cheated on me, when I thought everything was going so well, and I had just taken your sorry ass back. Although I don’t regret our last 5+ years together (on, but mostly a lot of OFF), I am SO happy that the torture is OVER! Freeee! Let’s recap, shall we?

    We met at a keg race at PSU soph year – you on the lax club team, me on the fhc club team, young and having fun. I had a long distance bf at the time, but you still flirted it up with me and I can’t say I didn’t mind that attention. I didn’t see you again for a while, but then we became friends. I eventually broke up with the other guy and enjoyed singledom for jr year, then you came back into my life – and a switch somehow flipped – I was attracted to you.

    It took you a while to come around – you wanted to just mess around, but I would not have that. I had to make you take me on an official date sr. yr – and where did you take me? Chili’s, followed by the bar with your friends, oh how romantic. TORTURE! But I let that slide, we were in college after all. Then I fell hard for you – it was an exciting time – you had your own apartment, we cooked together, went out together, had a lot in common at the time, and you were so manly (maybe it was just the beard). You never said I love you, but I saw it in your eyes. I never said it to you first, cuz didn’t want to get hurt. I was always a little mad that you didn’t say it when you first felt it.

    Then, graduation came and our impending breakup since YOu didn’t want to do long-term. So you thought it would be okay to take a shot off of that bitch’s inner thigh (and she was wearing a dress). TORTURE! You are such an idiot – I was coming down the stairs right as you were doing it. So I got my hot revenge and took a shot off your friend’s nipple then my guy friend. That made me feel better, but only for a nano second. Somehow though, I stayed with you that last month before graduation. Saying goodbye under the gazebo may have been the saddest day of my life.

    Then, I got a job in CT, only 45 min. from your house! Yet, you STILL didn’t want to get back together – you only wanted to come around 1x/month for ass. TORTURE! You played with my heart. My mom always warned me with that cheesy saying “Why by the milk when you can get the cow for free.” She was so right, but I didn’t listen at the time cuz I missed you so much. Finally I tried to move on – even dated a CT guy. Then you decided to come and win me back – it worked, with 3 words I Love you (over the phone though, as your final try to get me back, what a jerk). I can’t believe I broke up with AJ to get back together with you. Then, only a few months later, you left for med school in Grenada for TWO years! And you barely called. TORTURE! I don’t know what kept me with you, but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder.

    You finally came back, and NY was very close. Things were going pretty well for a while, but you were busy with med school stuff and the hour plus train ride each way didn’t help much either. We had our fun, but I started to wonder if you were serious about us, or just having fun again – using me as your playmate friend. Then, I received that book as a gift from my mom, written by the Eharmony dude and started to think more seriously about our relationship. When I asked you if you wanted to get married and have kids in the future (not necessarily to me, just in general) – you said I don’t know. Seriously? TORTURE! We weren’t THAT young. How do you think that made me feel, after all that time and torture I invested in you and us? In my mind, that meant no – so I had to say goodbye. TORTURE!

    Two months later, you came crawling back – again. All it took this time for me to take you back was you saying the words “I want to get married and I want kids, just not tomorrow.” I said no shit Sherlock – but why did it take you so long to realize that? Why couldn’t you realize on your own? I’m still not sure if you just said that to appease me, or if you really meant it, but I took you back because I really wanted us to work.

    Then, only a few months later, we were sitting together on your computer looking something up, and “hi sexy” popped up from some Camille bitch on your gchat. WHAT THE FUCK?! Who is that bitch? I did not appreciate that, and you tried to play it off like she calls everyone that. I was enraged – who did she think she was calling you sexy, and why did you let her? I saw her skanky bare back pic on myspace and had knots in my stomache – I was so confused and angry. I trusted you, so I tried to forget about it.

    Fast forward a month or so – I somehow saw your email open and searched Camille, because I didn’t trust HER. And to my shock, a picture of her came up – half naked on a bed, showing off her tats. Luckily, not her tits or vajajay, but I was hurt nonetheless. I exploded at you – so angry, why was she sending you this pic? You said, I don’t know she sends it to everyone. Funny, cuz your name was the only one in this email. Although, she didn’t write a message. You told me you didn’t find her attractive. I told you I don’t like her and I don’t want you talking to her. You said okay. I felt so crazed at that moment and didn’t like feeling like that. I thought it was done with – I trusted you.

    Fast forward about 7 months – Lauren came to visit and stay with us at your place in BK. Things had been a little agitated between you and I lately – you called me psychotic because I felt the need to go back and make sure I didn’t park my car in the wrong spot – in NYC. Psychotic? No hun, you’re just an asshole, a thoughtless asshole. I spoke with you in private before going out that weekend – discussed how our guest, one of my best friends, had just bought a house. She didn’t have money to throw around, so we should go somewhere with no cover.

    That night when you called to tell us where to meet you and your friends, I specifically asked if there was a cover and you said no. We got there, with one of Lauren’s friends, at 1am and there was a $20 cover. REALLY?! Then I got upset and you got mad at ME. You handled that so poorly. I kept my cool and us girls went next door. I was scathing mad at you inside. I could not believe you had the nerve to act like that, even after we had spoken in private earlier that day! Then, you went inside that club and had fun with your friends. I wanted you to hang out with us so my best friend could get to know you more, but you obviously didn’t give a shit, or you were just too selfish to care.

    When Lauren and I got back to your place, you were still out. Your email was open. So technically, I wasn’t snooping when I typed Camille’s name yet again. I was honestly not expecting to find anything, but what I found next could have killed me due to heartbreak right on the spot. I can’t believe YOU were the one who initiated conversations starting with “hi sexy” “I miss you” “come over” and when the ho asked “don’t you have a gf” you said “what does that matter.” I read on in tears as you invited her to events that I, YOUR LOYAL, LOVING, THOUGHTFUL, NICE, girlfriend went with you to (things that I didn’t even want to go to, like the stupid Big Lebowski festival, I never liked that movie and I still don’t). WHY WOULD YOU ASK HER?! And did she ever come over? Well clearly we were DONE at that point, I just wanted you to get your ass home ASAP so I could kick your ass to the curb and then run over it.

    I had to wait hours before you came home – it was misery. I started to calm down slightly, through the convulsive crying, but it was hard. I couldn’t just pack up and leave since Lauren was in the next room and flying out the next day. SHIT! I wanted to leave so bad, but I also wanted to stay and slap you so hard across the face when you got home, but the irrational part of me also wanted to just talk to you and ask you why why why WHY? and be able to kiss you one more time. And get every single detail. It was too late though, the trust was shattered. Why should I believe you when you told me that she never came over, that you never touched her? I don’t know this girl, all I knew was that you met her in Grenada at Med School, so you probably did fuckin fuck her. That’s probably why you never called me – me, your loving girlfriend – I had to beg you, I felt shamefully needy. I can not believe how naïve I was.

    It appeared that you DID stop talking to her around the time I had told you to, but that didn’t matter. Were you EVER going to tell me what you did? To you, it wasn’t cheating. But, you had to know it was wrong. You only seemed to get upset about it when you found out I forwarded the chats to myself – yes, ALL of them! The chats where YOU called her sexy and YOU asked her to send you pics of her tats. You’re such a fuckin liar. You had the chance to come clean when I asked you about her months before – yeah, right after I had taken you back. That is partly what hurt the most. If I wasn’t good enough for you, then why didn’t you just go fuck this girl and leave me ALONE! TORTURE!!

    So Lauren and I left the next day – it was such a bitter breakup, but also sad. I was so upset you did what you did, I didn’t want to say goodbye. I really wanted to believe that some crazy person had just taken over your body for a second, but that the real you was back. But then, you came back at me full force over the next week trying to win me back – sending me gorgeous roses and the sweetest card to me at my new job, sending me dessert, and even attempting to come over and explain/apologize. I think it was just to make YOURSELF feel better and less guilty about what you did.

    I had written a long list of OTHER reasons we couldn’t be together on TOP of what YOU did. I sent you away when you came to try to redeem yourself (after I had blocked all your calls, defriended you on Facebook, and deleted you from my life in any way I could). I was so proud of myself. But I think I got caught up in all the extra stupid romantic stuff you did and sincere words – with your sweet emails and apologies, I really thought you were redeeming yourself well – and a little alcohol pushed me to keep our massages for the next weekend, where we rekindled our tortured relationship.

    From then on, you really had changed for the better in a lot of ways. BUT, I still didn’t fully trust you. Why was your phone beeping so much – who was that texting you? You even gave me all your logins to help reassure I could trust you – all that did was make me act a little psychotic and check them constantly, only to realize that you’re not dumb, you would have deleted any guilty messages. So then I was paranoid all over again. I couldn’t magically trust you again. I really wanted to though, you seemed so sincere this time. And we had just spent half a decade together! Couldn’t we work this out somehow? We did have so much fun together.

    Oh wait, but then I had an epiphany later that YOU weren’t really that fun, it was more the stuff we DID that was fun. You really just stared at me when we were on the subway – you couldn’t even think of decent conversation starters. I felt like I was sitting alone, next to a stranger. Unfortunately, I think you are the way you are because of your odd family. It took you so long to even take me to your house – it made you feel “vulnerable.” But they were never warm to me – they didn’t hug. Even my friends’ parents hug, people who I rarely see.

    I even got so upset about it after having been over to your house so many times over the next few years, that you tried to tell me that you even asked them and they said it would make them uncomfortable. Why would you ask them that?! I’m pretty sure you were lying just to shut me up. I can’t WAIT to meet a guy who’s family hugs me on the first greeting – cuz believe it or not, I actually shower, don’t have cooties, bed bugs, OR influenza, and certainly don’t have a cold heart.

    To my horror, when your bros had their gf’s over for New Year’s dinner, they were quite boring too – I just can’t see myself fitting into your boring family. They’re nice enough people, but you would be better off with a bimbo who doesn’t say much, and who enjoys listening to your dad ramble about work shit and people she doesn’t know. She should also be someone who doesn’t mind your dad giving little digs – like assuming she’ll be late for something important (your bday plans).

    I always put so much effort into doing nice things for you – getting your friends together for your bday each year (and they were such a pain to coordinate, because they are not your true friends, you have none, probably because you are boring and don’t think of other people). I am so done crying over you. I hope you have a nice life and fix yourself. Maybe you will make your fancy doctor friends – if you actually become one. I’m a little worried you won’t get a residency next month, but everything happens for a reason.

    I’m done being your security blanket. I can’t believe you had an entire month off, and instead of doing something useful, you played video games and slept. You wanted to get a job, so you say, but you didn’t even put that much effort into looking. I even sent you some links, but you never looked at them. GROW UP! Stop making up excuses for having no life.

    I had been wanting a break for a while – the constant weekend get togethers were getting exhausting – my laundry was piling up, and I felt so lazy with you in the later months. I wanted to do the things I had done when you were away – volunteering at PAWS, crafting away, making friends in the new area. We went to an engagement party, and some of your other friends were getting married soon too. It just made me have a little panic attack realizing that if you were to propose (not that you were going to anytime in the next decade!), I wouldn’t immediately say yes. That is a red flag.

    There is never a good time for a break, and I realized a break wouldn’t be good enough anyways, I wanted a breakup – freedom to date other people who deserve a chance, be a little selfish for once, save my money, and stop eating shit (like we always did), lose weight like I’ve been wanting, the possibilities were endless! I would have way more fun by myself than with you. I’m sorry that the timing meant you’d have to face the world alone for things that you thought I would be by your side for (especially Valentine’s day and 2 weddings), but I promise it will be good for you. It was sad for both of us, but I’m glad we parted more peacefully this time and for the right reasons.

    I’m SO relieved to have broken up with you this time – our 4th and final time! NO MORE TORTURE! I do hope we can at least be friends…one day in the far future. For now, I’m single baby! And so done crying over you. 🙂

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