• Things just got messy

    by  • February 19, 2011 • Friends, Frustration, Letting Go, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Uncategorized, Yearning • 0 Comments

    I don’t know how to feel. You were there for me when I didn’t even realize I needed someone. We talked everyday for months straight even though we were miles apart. You kept me sane, you are what got me through the day. I didn’t realize what was happening. We talked about all sorts of things, but I’m not sure if I even know you, the real you, the whole you or if you even know me, the me that makes me me…that’s my fault though… I can’t…I can’t…I don’t know how to be there for you the way that you need me to and the worst part is that I can’t seem to let go and trust you so you can know me. But then again…maybe you don’t want to know the me that makes me me. We both have so much baggage, so many issues. We both over think everything and are so much alike yet not alike at all. You kissed me again and again. Then you chose her over me. I knew it was going to happen, and it did, but she said no. She chose my friendship over being with you. I am so mad at both of you. I really don’t want want to talk to either of you for a very long time. I get to be mad! You said it was the distance, you said we didn’t have a connection. Yet, you can’t seem to let me be. Maybe you can’t let go or maybe you don’t want to. You text me and email me so often. I deserve better. I am a good person who needs a fresh start and someone who wants the whole me, not just the physical me. Then why, why can’t I move on. I stupidly fell for you when I didn’t know what I wanted or what was going to happen. I can’t blame either of you. I just can’t bring myself to do it, because you both were wonderful friends. Things just got messy. I would love it if we could go back and just be friends. Friends without benefits. Friends without feelings. But you can’t go back, you can only go forward. I just don’t know how to go forward. If we try to be friends again I won’t be able to get over you and move on on on. But if we aren’t friends….then this gaping dark massive hole in my heart where our friendship was will never heal. If I wait too long to talk to you again you might not still be there or our friendship might not survive. And then, and then, you play the victim card: you say you’ve made mistakes that you’re not proud of them and that you deserve to be alone. Nobody deserves to be alone. And don’t you dare feel sorry for yourself when all you have to do is apologize and tell me the truth because I cannot be the one that goes back and pretends that everything is fine. Because it’s not fine. Things got complicated and that sucked. And I’m not fine. You have no idea how much I wish I was fine and I could move on and be happy, but all I can do is miss you. I miss all of the you that I know and that I wish I had gotten to know. And now…I just don’t know what to do or what to feel or what I want… I just don’t know…

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