• My Drill Sergeant

    by  • February 17, 2011 • Confusion, Grief, Heartbreak, Letting Go, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments


    You are so confusing. I have analized this so called “friendship” of ours and I will never be able to make heads or tales of it I think. And maybe that’s the point. I know that you have been through so much in the past 2 years and you are trying to find yourself in the world of chaos. Unfortunately, I got caught in the crossfire and man did it sting. And I continue to place myself there. Over and over. And I don’t want the pain but I take it anyway. I lie and sneak just to get less than 48 hours with you. Just to see those blue eyes staring at me. To laugh with you. To touch you. And oh my god to kiss you. To feel your arms around me. In my hair and on my neck. And for what. Nothing really. I drove through a snow storm to see you and you were texting other women in the short time I was with you. But like you say, we are “good friends”. And we can take our friendship as far as we want. And I would take anything just to be with you. In the hopes that you see I am better than the twits that you are texting. But in the same turn I get it. I am married. Well, one week from separated and I have never embraced being alone. Something I am looking forward to. A chance to do what you are, find myself. But I don’t want to let go of you. I don’t like being your friend. But I don’t want to lose my friend by pushing, which is what I did. So I am not going to do it again. You want me, come get me. And if you don’t, I hope you find love, and I hope you always wonder if my love would have been more. I give and love with everything. And you are too into yourself to see it. I am not going to wait anymore. I told myself I am not getting into another unhealthy relationship. And I am swimming in this one. I won’t do it anymore. And if I risk losing you in the process, then I will know that you were just poison in my water of life. It makes me sick to imagine not speaking to you. Not hearing you call me darlin. You promised you would only call me that. And the ONE time you decided to whisper it to me, I didn’t hear you, but you chose not to repeat it to make sure I would hear the most favorite word you say. You don’t care for me the way you led on. Your “confusion” messed that up. But it’s alright. I know I have loved you for 15 years in some fashion. But maybe it was the idea of us. And you… well… you are not what I imagine anymore. And that hurts more. I have to put the dream of us to rest. Now… do i have the strength to actually do it? You say I don’t.. But you know what.. You’re not that special in my eyes anymore… The bright light has dimmed that I had shining down on you. And I see you for who you are. Someone that doesn’t want to be with me. Your loss. You will see one day….

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