I don’t think I can ever forget watching your truck drive away the night we called it quits. I’ll say it now, with my pride pushed to the background, it was all my fault. I did you wrong and hurt you in ways that you may never fully understand. I let my past get the best of me and I let my guard down. I always blamed you for our fights, for our misunderstandings and our disagreements. At times I thought you were closed-minded, immature and self-centered, but maybe we just had some growing up to do.
I don’t know what keeps me here, all wrapped up in our past and wrapped up in what we had. You were the first person I ever truly loved. I waited for ten months to tell you that I loved you, and we waited a year till we decided it was the right time to show it. I was your first real girlfriend, and I think I fucked it up pretty royally. I’m so sorry for putting you through the heartache, the lies, and causing you trouble. I loved you and to this day I am more than sure that I still do. I wanted to be your everything, and I don’t know what happened in between the ‘I’m sorry’s’ and the ‘I love you’s’. Sometimes I want nothing more than to pick up my phone and call you. I want to hear your voice and I want to know what you’re feeling. There is nothing worse than the unknown or the what if’s. I never see you around and I haven’t seen you in what is close to almost a year. It’s almost as if there was nothing between us, and all I have are the pictures tucked away on my computer and some of the notes we used to write to each other. Our Sophomore year of college is coming to an end and I never would have guessed this is where we would be.
After we ended I did the worst possible thing and ran to someone else. I was hurt, confused and didnt know what to do… so of course I jumped on another band wagon. I care about him, I really, really do… but this aching just won’t subside and here I am writing a letter to you that you will never read. I want to know what you’re doing now, what you’re like now or if you’re the same kid that I fell in love with almost three years ago. God, three fucking years. I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away, I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to move on, but I just want you to know that I still think about you. Everyday I put on my headphones or turn on the speakers in my car and I get lost in how much my heart hurts. I’ve been doing a good job at pushing it down, of swallowing the regret of what I did and moving along with a smile. But, lately it’s been harder than usual and sometimes I feel like I’m busting at the seams. I hope some day you find this, but I know you never will. I vowed to not contact you, for my own sake and the for the sake of my new relationship that has been going seven months strong. I feel like a terrible person for putting myself in this position, but there’s nothing I can do. I want you to know that I’m willing to fix what has been broken, I’m willing to try as hard as I can, and I’m a different person.
If you’re over what we had, then I can only say that I hope you find a girl that will love like I did and if not, more. I hope that you’re happy and I want you to do everything that you love.
I hope you think about me and if you do, I hope it’s all of the memories we shared and all of the times we didn’t want to be anywhere else but in each other’s arms.
I want to be out on that football field again at two in the morning, wrapped in blankets and staring at the stars…
But I guess it’s time to let you go.
Love, Your Middle Seat