We’ve been friends since kindergarten. It’s been over a decade now. All through elementary school you had the biggest crush on me. I never even thought of you that way. You were just a boy in my class every year. Then in fifth grade you asked me out. And we were a little couple, it’s kinda silly now looking back. And then we were just friends again. And in middle school we were a couple again, though only for a little while. Now we’re in high school. And though we’ve always been friends, but over the past year you’ve become so much more.
Now you’re my best friend. The best friend I’ve ever had. And I’m so happy to be able to call you my best friend. You know how my home life is incredibly awful with all the things my step dad has done to me and my mom. I’ll never be able to forget their screaming fighting and his abuse and his suicide attempt right in front of me and my sister. Or the weeks he was gone, staying in the mental hospital. And now hes back and I hate him so much. But you were always there for me. You actually listened to my problems, and you gave me a safe place to go. I’ve put up walls so high that not even the friend I’ve been inseparable with for 11 years is able to see over them. Yet, somehow you made the climb and are sitting at the top looking down at everything, everything I am and everything I feel. I know sometimes I push you down the wall a foot or 2. But you made it higher than anyone else. And you always end up back at the top.
A few months ago you asked me to be your girlfriend again. I turned you down. I told you that you were my friend and I didn’t want to risk that. I was telling the truth. But theres more than just that reason. I was afraid. You are the only person in the world who has the power to break my heart. And those walls I put up, they prevent me from letting relationships go to far. I knew I would’ve ended up breaking up with you again, just because I’m a flight risk. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did that.
Right away we were able to be best friends again. It wasn’t weird or awkward at all. Now its been about 4 months, and you have a new girlfriend. I never thought I’d be jealous, but I am. So much. I now realize I made a big mistake. Ever since before you asked me out, I’ve wanted to be your girlfriend. You’re with her now and I never see you. I think she thinks I’m a threat. I want you to be happy so I’d never try to ruin things with her. But I miss your smile. I miss the way you can make me laugh even when I don’t want to. I miss all our inside jokes that no one else understands. I miss people coming up to us on a daily basis and asking if we were a couple. I miss how overprotective you get. And how you always had to pay for the movie just because you’re a guy and I’m a girl. I used to fantasize about meeting your family and our wedding, even though I’ve always said theres no way I’d ever get married. You’re the exception to that.
Now I cry myself to sleep because of my own mistake. I want you to be happy so I put on a smile, but the truth is it breaks my heart to see you hold her hand. It infuriates me when I see her in school. I realize now how bad I wanted that to be me. I’m so sorry I was too blind to see the good thing I had waiting for me for ten years. You were always there waiting for me, and I made you wait too long. I realize now that I’m in love with you. And because of this I want you to be happy. Even if that means you’re happy with her. Now it’s my turn to wait for you. And I will. Even when we graduate and you join the military while I’m in college. I will wait. And hope.