I miss you. When you are here life is easier. I am free to spend my days as I please. My friends aren’t stressed nearly as much. When you are here there’s no time to think I’m always surrounded by people that love me. Winter keeps me inside. I’m restless. Every night I stay up so late I know I will hate the next morning with a passion. I’m not even doing anything. I’m just awake. Sometimes I think about things that I want to cry about but when tears don’t come I get even more upset and still true to form my tears stay hidden. So now I choose blood.
This winter has been particularly bad. The secret I’ve protected so fiercely is known to many. I’m in therapy now. I don’t know if I like it. I’m afraid I’ll get put on medicine. That will prove I’m as crazy as I think. Plus now I’m afraid of you coming. Winter makes it easier to hide the cuts, scratches and scars. What will I do when I no longer have the veil of my warm clothes to protect others from my secret?
I’m not ready to stop but I don’t want them to know. This is why i’ve hidden it for so long. I’m so selfish. They should have never been brought into this.
I didn’t last night. I tried to reach out to a few people but I never actually led them to believe I was upset. I can’t just talk about it. I’m even avoiding it in this letter.
I guess what I’m try to say is please come back to me. I know I still have to wait a while but please hurry.I want to go star gazing. I want to play in parks even though I’m too old. I want to just sit outside and feel your warmth on my skin not because I want to tan but because yours are the only hugs that leave a lasting feeling. I miss waking up to the birds songs. I miss seeing the fireflies dance at night. I miss playing in the rain. I miss all the carefree joys you give me.