• Did you know?

    by  • February 10, 2011 • Abuse, Confession, Embarrassment, Fear, Grief, Hatred, Love - Pure and Simple • 6 Comments

    Dear the most important person in my life,

    Did you know that when you touch me intimately, I want to cry? That when you caress me in ways that lovers should, I feel disgusted? That when you try to put your lips anywhere other than my mouth, I want to cover my face and sob?

    I know it’s not normal, but I can’t help it. Maybe it’s because he touched me all those years ago and all I can see are his hands instead of yours. All I can smell is his rancid breath and all I can feel are his clammy hands, when I want so badly to be able to feel you.

    But I can’t.

    Did you know that I’m dying? Not from a disease or illness, but from my hatred. And my embarrassment.

    Of course you don’t know these things because I’ve never told you. Because I can’t tell you. Because if I do, you’ll see how damaged I truly am and you’ll leave me. And I’ll be nothing.

    So I’ll keep pretending that it’s great and that I welcome your touch and I’ll never let you see that when I shower after it’s done, I sit on the cold floor and scrub every area that you touched.

    And I cry.

    I love you.

    Sincerely, Damaged.

    Related Post

    6 Responses to Did you know?

    1. Cara
      February 10, 2011 at 10:25 pm

      You’re not alone. I hope you’re able to have the strength to tell him, some day. It’s so difficult and yet so healing once you do, I promise. He loves you… he’s not going to leave.




      0



      0
    2. Juli
      February 10, 2011 at 10:53 pm

      If he really loves you…he’ll love you in spite of your scars and wounds and help you to heal them…I wish the utmost blessings.




      0



      0
    3. Annabelle
      February 11, 2011 at 7:56 pm

      Tell him, it will give you close, may the gods be with you on your plight to happiness, and never let a past memory let you down. I too was raped, but I forgave him, I did not condone what he did, but I’ve given up the hope that the past would be any different and have thus released my sorrows and the invisible dirty hands that were always on my shoulders.




      0



      0
    4. Hannah
      February 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm

      I’m sorry and it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t have to pretend, so try telling him. He wouldn’t not like you because of it.




      0



      0
    5. meg
      April 21, 2011 at 11:03 am

      He would want to know. Don’t suffer in silence.




      0



      0
    6. Anna
      April 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm

      He won’t love you any less if you tell him. He won’t be freaked out. He will only have the ability to understand. Love is not just loving someone for their virtues. Love is loving someone for all of their faults.




      0



      0

    Leave a Reply