• So much to say.

    by  • February 9, 2011 • Fear, Friends, Knock it Off, Love - Pure and Simple, Parents, Self-Esteem, Thoughts • 0 Comments

    There is so much I need to say. So.. Much.. So, I guess we’ll start at the beginning and see where we end up.

    Hey there, how’s it going?

    I’m not a nice person. I’m really not, so don’t try to tell me any different. I don’t like most of my friends. They bug me, they piss me off, they’re annoying as hell. But I stick around. Because I need them. I don’t want to look like a loner. Though sometimes, I wish I was alone. Because, like I said, I don’t like most of my friends.

    I also am a bit of a hypocrite. I’m honestly scared that no one likes me either. That they’re sticking with me so they don’t look all alone. Or maybe, because they’re good, nice people. I just feel like no one likes me. Because, well, what is there to like?
    *nothing*

    You can tell me you love me. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every SECOND. I won’t believe you. The more I hear it, the more it sounds like a rehearsed lie. I don’t tell many people I love them. It’s not comfortable for me. People will say I love you, and all I can do is nod and smile. I may love them too, but if I tell them, it’s like I’m giving them a bit of my heart, and I can’t have it back. I’ll never get it back. And one day, maybe I’ll need it. And it won’t be there.

    Same with kissing. I’ve had boyfriends. But I haven’t kissed them. I can trust and love someone. But if I kiss them, in my mind, it’s like connecting with them. And it’s a special connection they can control me with. I won’t be controlled.

    Let’s move on to hugging. I tell most people I don’t like hugs. That’s not true. It’s not true at all. I love hugs. I LOVE HUGS. There are only two people I like to hug though. My friend K, and my friend B. To me, a hug isn’t just a quick greeting. It means something. I hug people that I can talk to. That I can tell anything. They’re the ones who get hugs.

    I feel like there’s more for me to say, but I just can’t bring myself to type anymore. I’m such a lazy ass.

    Love,
    M.

    P.S.

    This one goes out to you mom!

    I’m not being a rebellious teen, I mean this. For real.

    I fucking hate you. Get out of my life and leave me alone.

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