• Stupid in Love

    by  • February 8, 2011 • Betrayal, Cheating, Fear, Grief, Heartbreak, Love - Pure and Simple, Trust, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    dear rob,

    there are so many things that i love about you. i love your cute southern accent, your blue eyes, your laugh, the way we connected instantly, the way you make me feel like we are the only two people in the world, you just make me happy. i could honestly go on forever about why i love you. you made me fall for you harder and faster than any guy i’ve been with. before you i had major trust issues. i always had my guard up around everyone, scared to let them in. all of that changed when i met you. when i was with you, everything just felt right, i was no longer scared to be happy, scared to love again. the day i met you i no longer had any feelings for javi. it was like my 19 month relationship with him was nothing anymore, i loved that feeling. after i started hanging out with you i truly felt happy, i truly felt in love. which is why it tore my heart out when i found out what you did with kelly.

    kelly was supposed to be my best friend. and you were supposed to be my boyfriend. you told me you loved me, that you wanted to be with me forever. but that must have all been a lie. i dont know how a person can can bring themselves to have sex with their girlfriends best friend while their girlfriend was in the same house. that is just wrong. when i think about it i get sick to my stomach. and the way i found out? by taking kelly’s phone and reading her text messages? really? you couldn’t grow a pair and tell me yourself? i bawled my eyes out when i found out, but you already know that cause you watched me cry. the only time i cried that hard was when javi and i broke up.

    what i don’t get is how you thought it was ok to cheat on me when you knew how bad it hurt when saralynn, who was your fiance, cheated on you with your brother. you knew how much it would hurt me because you felt that pain yourself. and i’m not going to lie, your situation probably hurt more than mine did but it still hurt like hell for me. but i did want to say thank you for comforting me after it happened. i’m glad you didn’t listen to me when i kept telling you to leave me alone to cry. i never told you but that was probably my favorite part of that night. i’ll explain why.

    i kept telling you to leave at first. after about the 6th time i said it you left the room for about 15 minutes. i thought it was completely over. a part of me was hoping that you went to yell at kelly, i wish i knew. but eventually you came back. you told me how you just wanted to be held when you found out about saralynn but since you were in boot camp there was no one to help you through it. you laid in the bad next to me apologizing. eventually you stopped and the only noise in the room was my sobbing. eventually i rolled over and let you hold me. you apologized even more and you were begging me to forgive you. you wouldnt stop apologizing for long enough for me to tell you that it was ok. to stop you from talking i kissed you. i kissed you so passionately that you began to cry. it felt like a movie. and to be honest, i loved it. you began to cry real hard and i decided to forgive you. somehow my heart was strong enough to let myself continue to trust you. boy am i dumb.

    we patched things up and we were happy together again. even though my friendship with kelly was over and there was still a part of my heart that felt broken. then i had to go back home to chicago where we would attempt a long distance relationship. which worked for a while. but eventually things ended, i don’t really know how. i think the distance was too much for you. and i know how you needed someone by you especially with everything happening with your mom and her cancer and being so far away from home.

    i just wanted to be loved. that’s all i wanted. you keep playing games with my heart now. one day you’ll text me saying how much you miss me and if i was there with you we def would still be together. you text me like you still love me. you offered to pay for half my way to come see you in north carolina in march. but then you’ll go days without talking to me. sometimes more than a week. i know it’s all games. even through all this shit you’re putting me through i still love you. i really wish i could stop loving you, you just cause me pain, cause me heart ache. but there’s no way i can stop. there’s just a part of me that tells me we were meant to be even though everyone else is telling me to forget you. i wish i could. i just love you too much. i’m just stupid. stupid in love. i really wish i had the guts to send you a letter like this for real. but i’m scared. i’m scared it’ll make me lose you.

    i love you.
    always && forever.
    sam

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