• Parents, adoption

    by  • February 8, 2011 • Abuse, Addiction, Disappointment, Family Stuff, Grief, Heartbreak, Parents, Yearning • 0 Comments

    I spent my whole life looking for you looking for some sign of you in me. Something I could recognize as “passed on”. I looked for a way to validate myself. Because as many targetedly cruel peers have said maybe I am not good enough.

    And one day I found you. So easily. Almost unbelievably easy. Where you there the whole time? And suddenly there was what I was looking for. So I jumped blindly into your world.

    And I found out YOU SUCK.

    The confirmation I was looking for to say undeniably that I am worth something turned out to be a manipulative-chain smoking-nonstop loud drunk partying-alcoholic-loud drunk with no regard or cares

    but plenty of tears and requests for money, help and forgiveness.

    So I am going to sit here
    and read and watch movies and eat and pretend that I was not desperate, am not desperate
    for someone to want me. To love me. To know, really know who I am.

    I am going to pretend that the depressed person typing this will not be forever affected by your inadequacies.

    I am going to go on with this life because no one around me knows that you put my emotions,
    all of my gooey-love life-up beat insides through a freaking paper shredder.

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