• this is how i used to feel

    by  • February 6, 2011 • Confusion, Disappointment, Frustration, Grief, Heartbreak, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Hello, hello. i suppose there isn’t really much for me to write here except what is on my mind. but to be honest, i don’t really know what is actually on my mind. there’s so many things and so many people running through it as cliched as it sounds. i suppose the main thing is that i want to be happy and i want everyone to be happy. if everyone else is happy then it will be so much easier for me to be happy, i think. i sometimes think things like ‘oh if something terrible happens to me, i’d like something bad to happen to me so i can know who would be genuinely upset over it, then somehow i’d get better and be able to tell them how much it hurt me that they didn’t care, or how much it meant to me that they did care’ but at the end of the day, i’m not confident enough in myself to do anything like that. i’d rather just sit and listen in silence, wishing i was as confident as my friends. wishing i had the confidence to ring you and ask you to come to mine, to pick me up. i think that was where it went wrong before, or maybe it just wasn’t right to begin with. but then i start thinking about things and i think about you all the time, literally, all the time. there haaha, i just used one of your words. literally. literally, areet then, dangerous, bad. they are all what you say, little things that you say and do. i can’t help it. ever since that party, the party where we sniffed lines, and searched for fags together. where i watched her break your heart right in front of your face, and i held your hand. then i hugged you goodbye and i fell on you. she broke your heart countless times, but don’t you see that’s what you’re doing to me? i know yous are good friends, i know how much you mean to her and how much she means to you. i have that same relationship with jack! i just think she led you on so much. she had a boyfriend for fuck’s sake, then broke up with him and was seeing about six lads at the same time. you were one of many, don’t think you were special, though you were. i just don’t want you to think you were special. i could love you so much better than she could though. i’d be perfect for you, i’d make myself perfect for you. you came and walked the dog with me and we lost the ball, it was funny yet sad. we had a good time. you watched the lion king and complained. we went to see inception. then you just sort of stopped. you’d still talk to me but you wouldn’t ask to see me. so i rang you for lifts and things, and you’d always come and pick me up. then one night me and her were at a party, we got kicked out and we both came and slept at yours. it was lovely that night. i didn’t expect you to stop talking to me but you did. the slow pain of your absence was horrible. i’d only been seeing you a month or so but it hurt so much, so i filled your absence with someone else, then when i started to change my mind, ironicly you started talking to me again and asked me if we could try again, and of course i was so happy and i said yes. yes yes yes yes yes. i’m listening to robyn, dancing on my own live lounge, haha. this is why i’m so emotional. but anyway, you said that and then i was so happy, but you didn’t speak to me when you said you would. aha, i was gutted. genuinely thought i was going to cry at sixth form like. then on the tuesday or something you were playing my sister against cod and told me, so i asked you to take me to asda. we talked and talked and then you were going on like before and i swear to god i wanted to cry, because you were just so perfect. then when i went to get out of the car, you kissed me, and i pulled away telling you ‘i shouldn’t be doing this” but you smiled up and me and you looked so gorgeous and adorable that i couldn’t not do it, so i kissed you back and i swear i loved every moment of it. did i tell you that i kissed someone the week before, and for a moment i thought they were you and i was over the moon? yeah well i did. but then we went to the pictures. i was left with the line ‘i might text you’. you didn’t. but i was still so happy, everyone said that i was glowing after our date. but then on tuesday i asked for a lift home. you said you would then dropped me in it. i was gutted, not because i was dropped in it but because i wanted to see you. just for five minutes. that’s all i wanted, and you couldn’t do that, and you haven’t texted me since or anything and i feel so lost and empty. you can like my fucking status but you can’t text me? okay, that’s alright. i know it’s stupid that i get so upset over things like this but it’s literally because i know i’ll never be good enough for you. but you’re actually ugly, which is why i don’t get it. we all knew that you were majorly in love with her, but there’s me who would actually stay with you and not lead you on, and use you, and you want to throw that away? i don’t get you. i’d start seeing someone else but that didn’t work before, it just hurt me so much, because when i was with them i was thinking of you. haha yeah the song, thinking of you was ironiclly right. and then there is broken arrow, which was also completely right. i tried to get paul to fix me and he couldn’t, but a simple pop up from you can make my day. bent as owt. and i can’t even text you because i don’t know what you’re doing and i don’t want to interrupt you if you are doing something, i think you’re at work now though, might be safe to text you. but i know that i won’t text you because i fear the rejection.. ha, yes me who sits and says how mint i am is terrified of you rejecting me. how sad. you don’t know anything though you think i’m so confident and happy, but i’m not happy or confident. but when i’m with you i don’t feel stupid though she was stunning and you loved her i would just make you stay with me and love me. see like right now haha, i’m just thinking of you and wishing that you could be with me, you make me healthy and happy about myself. but when you’re being horrible you make me ill, more ill than i want to be. your sister was ill just like me, she was anorexic, just like me. that’s how you put two and two together, you realised when we were together one time and begged me to eat some food. you practically forced it down my neck. and you slept with her. the one person i said it would hurt me if you slept with, you slept with her. but that was before we knew each other properly, well before we were close. but you don’t fucking care. you go out and probably get off with people and that doesn’t really hurt me what hurts me is that you ignore me and don’t stick to your promises. i suppose i shall have to find a way to stop liking you but right now, i don’t think there is a way. like i said, even when i’m seeing other people i wish i was with you. and i can’t see that changing any time soon. but who knows, maybe you will get your act together and we might be able to have a proper go of things, like you claimed you would try to do. or maybe i’ll just be left with a broken heart again. i’m just asking you to please try. though you will never read this, i might look back at it in a few months and be like WHAT or i might be like, awh look at how much i liked you, when your sitting reading it with me. i hope it’s the last option, i really really do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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