• Here’s an open letter, to you.

    by  • February 6, 2011 • Betrayal, Friends, Frustration, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Yearning • 0 Comments

    You’re vain. You try so ridiculously hard to be modest but I can see past it so easily. Either you’re a terrible actor, or you don’t care to try hard enough. Everybody can see through you too. You treat those around you like they’re lucky to be in your presence, like you’re doing them a fucking favor.

    You try so hard to be different but I remember that you never fascinated me. I barely knew you existed until you infiltrated my life with such force that I couldn’t get you out of my mind. But I always thought you were boring, regular and plain and the more I got to know you, the more you tried to convince me otherwise. But all those times you would fall asleep in class, on the bus next to me, the more I knew the truth, but for your sake I tried to hide it from myself.

    You use people, and you used me so easily and how I could fall for it, I don’t know. I prided myself on being smarter than that but I can see now that I’m not and I was faking it just like you. So maybe in that sense, we’re just meant for each other.

    It only took me about, oh five months to realize just how you used me. At the time, I was so grateful for your friendship, a lie you made me believe. The way you manipulated me is beyond belief. I looked past all your flaws and your mistakes and made you up in my mind to be much better than you could ever aspire to be. You never proved that you cared for me, never put it any words, so was I supposed to decipher your looks? Well I tried, but they changed with every growing day and I couldn’t keep up with that.

    You made me believe I was different, from all the other girls that hung on your arm, but rather, you put them there. I saw you more often with girls, though you had plenty of guy friends. What were you trying to prove? Did you really enjoy their company more than that of your real friends (the guys)? But what you really enjoyed was their fawning and their attention towards you, the way I always wanted to make you feel, but I don’t think I did as good of a job as they did, maybe that’s why after me, you’d always go back to them. How could I think I was different? In your mind, that fucked up mess, we were all the same. Different faces, but the same wretched souls, the ones that loved you for no reason, because you did not deserve it, yet you got it so easily.

    You made me feel special, so that in one moment of time, I thought I was the only center of your mind. It lasted only two days, and suddenly we were right back to where we began. You moved away from me and I grew hostile. We were both too scared to admit if we felt anything, and I waited two years for you to grow up, and you couldn’t, not for me. Not even for yourself, and it wasn’t that hard. I wanted to admit everything you wanted from me, so maybe I could take a chance on you, but you wouldn’t let it go. Afraid that everything in your life would give away. You wouldn’t take that risk for me.
    You made me believe that you were different. How I defended you in front of my friends, no wonder they thought I was smitten. But wasn’t I? Why else would I have bothered? What did you do that deserved all my devotion? You did nothing. I would ask such simple things of you, and you never complied, but I would fall over myself to impress you, to make you feel better. You took everything I had, and did not even offer a piece back. You made me feel unwanted, like I was a waste of time, and that you could do so much better.

    Now, you’ve stopped looking at me even. How can you pretend I’m not there? You’re trying so hard to ignore everything we’ve been through, putting it completely out of your mind while I think about it as often as I dream about it, almost constantly.

    Maybe it’s my fault that we drifted, but I won’t deny your part in it. Even to this moment, all my fury, I still can’t be angry, not completely, even though you completely deserve it for making me feel this distress. I don’t blame you for my feelings, but rather my self-esteem. You gave me only moments in time, special times when I felt like we were only one, and then just as quickly, you yanked them away and I’m left now with nothing from you, only painful memories.

    Yours truly,
    A

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