• letting go

    by  • February 3, 2011 • Abuse, Addiction, Anger, Betrayal, Depression, Disappointment, Family Stuff, Fear, Friends, Frustration, Grief, Hatred, Heartbreak, Help, Loneliness, Resentment, Self-Esteem, To You, Yearning • 1 Comment

    i’m telling you this because i need to tell someone

    so here it is. i’m now gonna talk about myself and as one of my best friends you’re in no way allowed to judge, understand? And, well, seriously if you repeat this to anyone i will literally die, and don’t think i won’t be able to tell ’cause i promise you, i will just by looking at the way they look at me. ok so here goes.

    everyday i wake up, and wish i was dead, for many reasons really. i can name just a couple, the fact that i was abused as a child, the fact that me being dead would allow other people not to look at my ugly face and horrid fat body, the fact that i’m incapable of love and have convinced myself i’m going to die alone a bitter old woman… well if i make it that far.

    now i would like to know what others think about me and, well, when we went camping, i found out a few things and i’ve been told some others things by other people, but no matter how many times people tell me i’m kind and bubbly and generous and selfless, i still feel empty inside. i admit i love many people, many of whom may not love me back but still, i cannot manage to stay in a relationship or even start one and if i do i end things before they get any where. my fear is that i’m not lovable, and i blame a number of people for this i blame my mother, i blame my father, i blame my abuser, but mostly i blame me. i feel cold inside.

    yesterday do you know what i did? well of course you don’t cause you don’t have a clue what i do. well i decided to light the stove and hold my arm over it just to see how much pain i could take, cause me cutting my self just doesn’t seem to do anything for me anymore. oh and i only lasted about 15 seconds. not very good, so i decided to do it a couple more times and the most i got up to was 30, although i was counting a bit faster just to make the number higher. now if you were to see my thigh, you would think i was a freak but seriously i just can’t help it, i try to stop myself doing these things but its like i have no will. i remember the first time i did it at uni. it was the night after i slept with rezza for the second time, and i know i never show emotion to you or out but i really did, well i do like gary but yeah he said that stuff about you and well it just hurt so bad that any bloke would say how he wished he was sleeping with my bestfriend. so when i got home i sat in my room with a pair of sissors and cut myself, going over and over the same cut just to make it deeper and so it would bleed more, cause a cut aint really satisfing unless you go deep. the deeper i can get without stopping makes the pain i feel inside less.

    i cut myself a few times at uni, so if you were to come to my room and the door was locked it’s likely that’s what i was doing. the last time i did it i really couldn’t stop. i was in a state and felt that it was time to do it again, and this time i used my key, ive found that they make the cut wider like i compare scars and i could tell you when each one came and what i used to do it. i have this little patch where it looks like a dog has clawed my leg, but overall i feel that uni has changed me, its changed me for the better in ways, but for worse in others.

    i blame my dad because he nevers shows me love i blame my abuser because he destoyed me and made me beleive i shouldnt be loved.

    i blame my mother because she was willing to leave me to die and that made me have the biggest breakdown of my life. i mean if my mother doesn’t love me enough then surely no one will. i’ve told you about my mothers suicide incident, but again, i dont think you were interested when i first told you my biggest secret, when i told you about the biggest moment of my life. anyway, i remember where i was when i told you, so we were at the sun, and i was rather drunk then told you, i then told you who i slept with first after who i classed as the person that i lost my virginity, technically or not but the way i see it is that mark was my first consensual sexual experience, and you made the comment about how he wasn’t my first, and yeah that rather hurt me, i think it is the most painful thing anyone has ever said to me.

    now while i’ve been writing this, i have actually been on the phone with you, well for some of it anyway, so at least you’ll know when this was sent, if i do actually send it cause so far i’ve been thinking for the last hour or so whether i truly wanna send it cause im rather worried about your reaction and what you’ll think about me ’cause i think you are my person. i dunno if i’m yours, but you are a person i want to tell things to. i have a best friend who i’ve known for over 18 years, yet i could never tell her anything like this i would just die. i probably wont actually send this to you, or maybe i will eventually, so i hope i dont keep you waiting for long well if i do you wont no anything about it anyway. i think i’m gonna at least wait ’till after spain maybe even after you visit, if you do that is, i just know after i send this i’m gonna need a hug, so thats why you can’t take the bear back i need it he is my cuddly thing. i don’t ask for hugs it just isn’t a thing i do, so that’s what i use it for.

    you made me stay sane, now you’ve left. i’m kinda scared i’m not gonna be sane again.

    i know this won’t make much sense, and i know you won’t like reading, not as much as i don’t like writing it, but it needs to be out!

    so you are my person, i need to tell my secrets to

    please do not judge, me please do not regard me as a worse human being

    i try and be happy and i think i have a pretty good charade going on but i don’t think i can keep it up much longer.

    One Response to letting go

    1. nameless
      March 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

      i cant tell u how much i relate to this.. it hurts so much doesnt it?
      the emptiness is the worst.. it never goes away..
      i have not cut myslef. tht is the only part that makes me a bit different than u..
      but wow.. i wish i had smthg encouraging to say.. i really do.. but i have nothing.. as much as i try to ignore these feelings.. the emptiness, the sadness.. they always manage to surface back up.. i hate them, and i hate who ever was responsible for me feeling this way..
      maybe the answer is surrounding urself with people who love u.. but in my case i always tend to leave them, even if am happy..
      its these feelings.. they never go away.

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