• I see you

    by  • February 3, 2011 • Confusion, Doubt, Fear, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Hey,

    So every time I’m about to write you something I get a horrible flashback of that e-mail I got from you like ten months ago…idk if this is one of those type of messages just yet (and yes I’m quite aware of the fact that I started off this e-mail rambling…just go with it I never did grasp transitions very well). All I know is that since then there has been so many times when you and I were supposed to end this and we couldn’t for w.e reason personally its b.c I’m in love with you and I can’t seem to let you go. You and I both know this has probably been one of the more suckier months that we’ve gone through and yeah we can blame finals up and across the universe but realistically I feel like you and I have been weird since the day after your birthday. I know that you said you forgave me and I know that you know that it was an accident from the get I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to harm or cause any problems in your relationship with it you know that I respect what he means to you and the amount of years you two have been together. A year ago I knew what I was getting myself into with you and that hasn’t changed. I still want to respect your relationship with him b.c realistically it would be hypocritical of me not to when I have relationship too. But since that day since that moment you stepped out of the bathroom and showed me and that face that you gave me…everything changed. And to be honest part of me is angry that everything changed when you’ve done it a million times before and I fucked up once and you created this huge wall between us for my one fuck up. I understand that it was the first time I put your relationship at risk and the timing was miserable and that I caused more stress than you ever needed but you’ve punished me and our relationship for it and it’s not fair. For the past year I have seen first hand all the stress everyone puts on you and I wanted to be the one person that you could go to and just unwind, I know that hasn’t happen because you feel like your hurting me and you don’t want to…but im a smart girl (okay yeah I have blonde moments) and you need to understand I don’t need you to protect me from you. For all the moments I’ve had to see you with him and the moments we’ve had to share with phone calls and awkward love triangle conundrums that we get ourselves into… I wouldn’t change it for anything b.c i’m yours and I still see you as my girlfriend. The beauty of our relationship is that although neither one of us can give each other 100% of ourselves when we we’re together it makes those moments 110% better and they mean a hell a lot more. Lately though everything has sucked… you’re not the same with me and you might say that you are and that you’re not mad and that if you are acting different its cuz you don’t know how to not hurt me and if your doing this to push me away then just please stop b.c I’m losing my best friend too. Yes you still txt me good morning everyday and I still smile and love it and I know you’re making a huge effort not to ignore me all day and when you’re with him cuz you know it hurts me when I feel like I can’t talk to you and I recognize that and appreciate you for it but with all that said i’ve just been really lonely lately. I feel like you and I talk everyday and it may seem normal but we both feel it and I don’t want to be in another relationship where I don’t speak up and just let it act like there isn’t a big pink elephant there. Here I should have the cake and be able to eat it too but I can’t… I have a bf and a gf and I can’t be with either of them. You know I love it when you feel like you can come and talk to me about issues and things you may not be able to tell other people even surprisingly so when its about him but I can’t…for every little thing you pick up on about me you also know that Im a vault when it comes to other things and I bottle it up and focus on schoolwork and try not to deal with it. Finals has kinda been my double edged sword b.c its allowed me to not have to deal with things and at the same time only deal with those things but I want to be able to tell you everything b.c that’s one of the best parts of our relationship. I want to tell you that during these past few weeks the stress of finals and the paper and mike leaving and feeling like you were pushing me away is killing me. . Look I just want you to be honest with me stop saying that everything is alright cuz we both know its not if its because you don’t want to hurt me then tell me and allow me to decide whats going to hurt me or not. I feel alone and you pushing me away and creating this huge wall of things we just wont talk about is not going to be us I’m sorry you might do that with everyone else but you know you cant pull that with me. I see it in your body language, I see it in your txt messages when you put 4 dots instead of 3, not to be really cheesy but dude “I see you.” Okay so like that was a fail at not being cheesy but dude I know you better than a lot of people do I see that it hurts you when you have to sit there so rigidly as I put my arms around you in the car b.c I know that you want to be as affectionate too. I don’t want our relationship to be like every other one where we start not talking about things because they will start a fight or cause more drama than they need to that’s not us and honestly if weve gone a year w.o being like that given our circumstance that’s pretty good. I also want to tell you that I’m not trying to be a complete bitch when I call him when Im with you lately but I miss a lot and I sometimes need it when the suckage gets to be really high to cope wether he is good for me or not he lets me vent and he lets me use him like a punching bag and he has taken all the crap ive dealt him lately with finals and me crying randomly. You know I saw it in your eyes when I walked out of the door last night bt just like your bf has been there mine has been there for me too. I don’t know how this is going to turn out and honestly I stopped once finals started worrying about what we were and where its going cuz when it just you and I its perfect and amazing and I love that you know me better than I know myself sometimes and as scary as that might be its also so comforting that theres someone in the world that shares moments with me and knows me like you do. And besides I also thought about our portmanteau…Chryslyn and that’s kinda just too awesome to split just yet. I hope you feel the same way and I know you love me atleast I hope that hasn’t changed and im just being neurotic and overanalyzing this more than it has to be… regardless I appreciate you everyday for what you do J but if it has just tell me… yea it will hurt but I don’t want you to suffer if your just doing it not to hurt me I know I will always have you in my life cuz you’ve always been there anyways and its just now that I realized that.
    your princess

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