So I went through high school never letting myself ever be in the position where I could get hurt. If you don’t try, then there’s no inevitable disappointment, right? Now I’m a freshman in college. And for the first time I allowed myself to be vulnerable. That’s where you come in. And now this would be your cue to cut off connections to me without explanation. Thanks for that. I hear from everyone that you aren’t worth it. That’s not true, though. If you weren’t worth it, then I wouldn’t miss you so much. After this experience you’ve put me through, those silly love songs and poems I always mocked, aren’t as pathetic.
I’m still debating whether you were worth it. This was my conclusion (only discovered over nights spent writing this silly poem):
I didn’t ever forget those languages we spoke.
There was our bodies. And our Spanish was such a joke. And one heart that broke.
Words can so easily mask the truth but I tell you my memory’s clear.
Those Hispanic lines that filled something so hollow
Was only rivaled by our bodies that followed.
You must know it was all for you.
Every word vocalized
All the time that was comprised
of my transformation into something fresh and new…
I did it all with only thoughts of you.
I could create a masterpiece with the curves I’ve traced
Because I was so aware of each arch, twist, and taste
that adorned the face that at one point was all mine.
Back when I expressed myself with kisses and had no need for wishes or silly rhymes.
I relished in how well we harmonized.
I would push and you would pull,
A combination of lips and teeth
tugged at my soul.
How was it that your bronze fingertips petrified me at the slightest touch?
When others’ I’d spurn and detest so much.
I started this affair, a fan of other greens and blues
‘Til i fell in love with brown.
You must know it was all for you.
You were my first piece of happy
Though I’ll never know how it was for you.
It was your bizarre disposition that initially drew me in.
You bewildered me from the beginning to the very end.
I reasoned it was my own inexperience that caused our inevitable downfall.
Now i know it was no misdemeanor of mine,
But your own tragic flaw.
Your languages are so different now and I can no longer comprehend them.
I see how you appeal to the leeches around you.
The ones you feed off for a sense of meaning in your own disoriented being.
And then there’s those who feed off you
Because your twisted words make them feel like a gem
And I’m embarrassed to admit that I even became one of them.
It’s so funny how you always know exactly what to say.
You used to use it in moderation, now it’s just become your way.
You’ve disappointed me more that i thought possible and brought me down to the loneliest level confined within my own mind.
So, please carry on like there’s nothing wrong. I assure that I’ll be fine,
Because when I look back in the pensieve of you and me I’ll tell you what you’ll find:
A boy who’s trying to convince a girl that he’s the happiest he’s ever known
But in all truth when I was with you I’ve never felt more alone
Every sweet phrase uttered was dripping in condescending undertone
And it’s not an attitude you easily forget when you spend so much time on your own.
And I would not say I was blind (more handicapped) by this figure i built you up to be.
Cuz when I think back I remember your fingers and lips trembled in such hypocrisy.
I just don’t think your caress really had that finesse it did in my memories.
So, we’re finally here, our conclusion, my dear
Where these final thoughts may take rest.
The money i’ve spent on Haagen Dazs and tickets through Southwest,
In my pathetic attempt to disregard what you meant are just about equal to my 1 month of joy.
So thank you, thank you for 3 months of misery.
And thank you again for 1 that made it worth all your trickery.
It’s a pity, these beautiful words, I’ll never again hear you say….
“Ven aqui mi chica bonita. Besame.”