I could pour my heart out to you and it wouldn’t make me feel any less alone.
I spent all summer getting over you, and now you’re talking to me again, out of the blue. You’re good at that, catching me off guard. No guy should ever warrant this kind of emotion from me. I hate that you have a way of getting inside my head. It makes me miss everything I once knew about you. I miss your charm, your physical proximity. I miss those obscure but very real bonding moments we had when we were alone. I miss the way I hated how you made me feel. I miss your late night drunken texts. I miss the night you made me feel invincible. I miss when you called me cute or pretty or babe or love. I miss that dirt path through the trees we wandered through one night. It’s not there anymore, they put a real road in. I miss that time we sat in the back of your truck, when everyone else was having fun inside, when it was so cold I could see my breath. I miss the car rides with no destination in mind. I miss all those times we went to the park. I miss all the times you invited me over when you knew I couldn’t come. I miss your lips, gliding effortlessly over mine. I miss the way you teased me. I miss the way you used to look at me, the way you smiled. I miss how if I didn’t want to talk about something personal, you wouldn’t make me, because you understood. Most of all, I miss you.
After more than half a year of not talking, not seeing each other, you still affect me all the same. You’re like a ball and chain around my waist, holding me back without even trying to. Leaving me emotionally unavailable for anyone else. The spectrum of emotions I went through for you was limitless. There was nothing you couldn’t make me feel. And that whole time, I never felt more alive than when you were in my life.
Even though sometimes I can’t bear the sound of your name, and sometimes I hate myself for it, I always have and always will care about you.
Being honest with myself right now, the truth is that I love you. In a fucked up and unconventional way, I love you. It’s the reason why every time I see you, I forget about how I’m supposed to hate you, I forget about how much mental instability you give me. I wouldn’t call it a romantic love. I can’t describe it, but you fascinate me. Everyone has that one person they can never quite seem to get over.
You’re that person for me.