Some things in this life just seem to be so messed up!

My mother told me how happy I looked at Thanksgiving and it made her sooooo happy to see me that way.

I am very happy with myself these days. Maybe not everything is great in my life but I can’t let a Toxic person in my life ruin it for me. I take the good days when I can get them but sometimes I don’t want them!

Sometimes I just want him to be fully miserable all the time so I can despise him again.

That way…I don’t get my hopes up and think “Oh yes, I am so happy with him” and then he flips in an instant and becomes such a jerk that I want to smack him in the face. It’s not one of those passionate fights either! It would be one of those “You treated me like crap for so many years and just because you’ve changed somewhat in the last few years, you think you can just whip out your old mean self and not have it affect me fights! Like hatred! That’s a strong word and I really don’t hate anyone in this world but…I have felt it towards him. I sure he might feel the same way towards me someday if I start living for myself and do what makes me happy!

I am afraid of that day for he will be so mean and nasty to me if we ever got divorced. Oh man…it would be UGLY!!! Sometimes it’s ugly now. I think when I feel happy with him it’s just the bare minimum of how some people feel with their spouse. It’s like if he’s not cranky and mean it’s a wonderful day! Whoopie! What a marriage!

I know he loves me to death but if he doesn’t show it then…what does it matter.

Actions speak louder than words. Yet his words can cut right through your heart and soul. I am somewhat immuned to this unfortunately and just don’t take part in the drama anymore.

So…I am happy and sad at the lie of a life I am trying to lead to please others!