I am 20. He’s 51. I have been with him since I was 18. He raped me at my best friend’s lake house on the 4th of July, but I was too scared and ashamed to say anything. So instead I put him first. As he pinned me down on the pontoon boat and told me to “shut up” I could only think about his law career, family, and ties to my best friend’s family. I continue to do so to this day. I miscarried my then fiance’s baby and pushed him away without even a clue as to what was really happening. He just thought I wanted to go to college without a boyfriend, but really I knew he deserved better. Someone that wouldn’t let those things happen to her. Someone stronger than me. After he finally let me go I started seeing my friend’s uncle and after months of just sleeping with him in exchange for time away from my dorm I actually started to miss him when he left. He was (and still is) married. He promises me that he wants to be with me and only me. He’s even promised me he’ll get his vasectomy reversed so we can try for the family “we’ve” always wanted. I know in another time and place he and I would have been a great couple. However, now in this time and this place he’s just using his silver tongue to manipulate me. But I can’t let him go. He promised last year (2009) that we would be together this year (2010) for the holidays as a couple. Yet again I have to sit at the family table while my siblings and their better halves break bread and ask me why my “amazing, wonderful, and horizon expanding” boyfriend couldn’t join us AGAIN this year, not to mention why they haven’t met him. And I’ll just die some more on the inside. You’re not supposed to be this lonely in a relationship. I wish when he took me out to his hunt camp trailer (instead of his million dollar mansion that he STILL shares with the woman he “loathes”) that he would just make love to me so violently one last time as he usually does and then leave me there to rot. I changed my whole life to be with him. And I have gotten nothing in return except empty promises. And even though I can see what the right thing is to do I feel inadequate without him. I wish I could channel the person I was before that night at the lake house. At least she had faith in love, and a desire to have a future. I don’t feel sorry for myself at all. I firmly believe in recognizing one’s own actions and their consequences. I just want to know that I deserve better.