the word for hypocrite. I think it means something like “to wear a mask”.
you have always been honest with me. And I have enjoyed more than you know, that I can be honest with you. You never judge me for being double-minded. For living with a split personality like you do. To fervently desire the experiences which I know we could generate, while at the same time tempering our actions w/ prudence and self-control. I say I want you to attack me. right now! But if you did, would I shut you down and run away? I tell you i need to kiss you and feel you and hold you and taste you. But if you invited me to….willingly…and aggressively…would I allow such a thing to proceed.
I think you and I stand behind masks. And they’re not what you think. We would hold firmly that the mask is our prudent lives. That our self control is the fake thing. That our demur conduct, and the honoring of our vows is the falsehood with which we cover ourselves every day.
I would counter that argument, and say, that the opposite is true. We love our spouses, and our lives. At the minimum, we value our own integrity and the other person’s feelings (at home) more than each other. We continually chose those who we hold closest. We deny our attraction, and passion, and imagination, and lust. Our fantasy of escape and freedom and liberty and what seems like a radiant brilliance of emotion.
And instead, we hold fast.
I cannot really speak for you. But for me…for me….you have allowed me to cherish you and adore you. From afar. We have never even kissed! (ummm?) We have never (hardly) even touched. But my words form a mask. And you see that mask. And we claim to know each others hearts. But the heart is guarded, and i don’t think we’ll let go of what we believe.
So I ask. Why do we tempt each other with words and vapours of love. why do we entice with delicious morsels of thought for one another? Only to deny and pull back and shut down and counter-argue.
To be whole is to be single-minded, in thought, word, and deed. The more we talk the more “split” we become. We thought we could repair by talking, but I sometimes feel more fragmented then I have in a very long time.
I have allowed it. Its not your fault at all. But here i am. If you were here, and allowing, I don’t know what I would do. Well. Yes I do. I would start something I would likely regret. And if I came to my senses soon enough to stop something, and if you were into it, you would be hurt to.
Either way, our evil wretched hearts are exposed. Ahhhhhhh…you may say “no, the feelings are beautiful and precious”. Well, love is precious. But our … connection…cannot build anything right now. it can only separate and destroy.
The decisions we make in our individual lives have to happen in the absence of the other person. Then, after a time of healing…when the soul is whole again…only then can the person again step out to form other healthy relationships.
So I sit here, feeling like i have a mask on. And the mask is my fond construction I have built for you.
I get such a charge from one single word of love or desire or lust you have towards me. What does that say about me?!!
And if I was given to my own faulty ways, I would have that you cover me with kisses, and your passionate lust and desire and adoration.
But in this, I see a precious statement…that what you really want to have with me is a memory which is pure. Undefiled.
And so, I really gotta go. I am sorry. I think your so swell…and i wish i could cherish you for all the higher ideals…and so I think I do so many moments….but so many others, it’s pure, hot, desire I have for you. I mean…nuclear. Volcanic. Focused. “Laser”. hahahahaha
And what more can I say. I am babbling. What are your thoughts? As I have been working out more, and the muscles are building, weights getting heavier, and increase of protein, etc….my testosterone is through the roof. Maybe that’s part of it. I’ve gained 7 lbs since we last spoke. And…well…i imagine picking you up, and having my way with you, passionately. Gently. Firmly. Intensely…..
Please don’t ever be afraid. You don’t have to be. Thank you for letting me be honest, and for not judging me for my transparency. Thank you for seeing me as I am, and for simply letting me be me.