• I know the truth

    by  • November 7, 2010 • Abuse, Disappointment, Family Stuff, Grief, Hatred, Heartbreak, Lost Love • 1 Comment

    Dearest Sperm Donor,

    I know the truth. You were never happy with me, I never lived up to what you thought a ‘your’ child should be. You never loved me like you loved my sister. You never even loved my mother the way she should have been loved. You hurt me more than any man ever could. When I was 14 I wish I did blow my brains out all over your bedroom. I had the right idea then. Although you most likely wouldn’t have cared. Just place blame everywhere but where it belongs. You really haven’t helped my mental state at all. In fact, you are the reason I am like this. I never asked to be born into a family with a shitfuck for a father and a saint for a mother. You should have never been allowed to have children. I am sure that there should be a fucking test for people before they are allowed to become parents. You are the prime example. I cut because you never loved me. You never told me I was pretty. You called me a fucking whore. I was 14. I was in a band, I didn’t even think of sex till I was 18 at least. All I wanted to do was play music, sorry I wasn’t a doctor. Sorry I wasn’t an olympic swimmer or whatever all your friend’s children were. I am nothing to you. I wish I could say you are nothing to me. The truth is, I date abusive men now because of you. I can’t seem to find the ones who can help me, I only find condescending assholes like you. At least they don’t all beat the shit out of me. I have to say, even though you beat me up alot, what you said hurt much worse than any bruise or scar you left. Most of my scars are on the inside. On my heart. I have a bunch on the outside, trying to let the inside out. I wish just once you could feel what I feel. Uglyness, guilt, self hate, self loathing. I wasn’t good enough for you and now I am not good enough for myself.

    Thank you for making me want to die every fucking day of my fucking life.

    Now you have ‘taken me off the will’ guess who doesn’t fucking care?

    You can’t help me when I need it, I don’t need your bullshit money.

    Why don’t you go spend it on all your girlfriend’s kids? Pretend they are yours, maybe they will make you proud.

    I will not be around for very much longer. I hope you enjoy my death you fucking asshole.

    Die a horrible, painful, lonely death dad, that is the only way I know for sure I will be happy someday.

    Without Love,
    the daughter you wish you never had.

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    One Response to I know the truth

    1. Jeremy
      November 8, 2010 at 12:21 am

      hey youve got a hell of a story. ive got issues with my father too, nothing compared to yours, but i feel at least a part of your pain, and ive considered killing myself as a way to escape him too. and while it would be a solution, i look at it this way, im grown up, im just about out of his house so that i wont have to deal with him anymore, whats the point in not having a future because of the past? i know what hes done to you is unforgivable, unforgettable, but it is the past. it will stay with you, but at least you dont have to have new troubles in the future. he can be out of your life, and then you can try to build your confidence from yourself, from your strengths as a person. my little bit of confidence comes from playing guitar, music is my passion as well. thats a perfect outlet for your feelings and a source of confidence because not everyone can do it. listen to the music of john frusciante. its very easy to relate to for those with little self esteems and it soothes, give it a try, look forward, and dont give up.



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