It has been almost a year since we last saw each other and I can honestly say that I have thought about you every single day. I miss you more than you could know. I know that we had our issues, but I loved you. You are the first guy I ever loved and even though you broke my heart I can’t stop loving you.
I miss the little things about you. I miss awkwardly holding your fingers because my hand was too small to fit comfortably in yours. I miss falling asleep with you next to me with Finding Nemo or Ice Age on playing on the TV. I miss the way you used to call me Bub and I couldn’t tell if you were trying to call me babe because of your accent.
I regret a lot, too. I regret that we never really got to know each other. I should have asked you more about yourself and I should have supported you when you wanted to talk about your mom. But I was young and I was scared. I have grown up so much since then, you probably wouldn’t be able to recognize me now.
I know that if we ever talked again I wouldn’t be able to say any of this to you. I probably couldn’t think of anything to say. The saddest part is that it ended because of me. There was no way I could have stayed. I would have had to drop out of high school and risked being deported. I couldn’t risk everything for you, I wish now that I had.
When I left, I think I took a piece of you with me and left a piece of me with you. I want that part of me back. I don’t like being the half empty, always sad girl. I’m sure you don’t like having that part of you gone either. It’s because of that little part of you that I haven’t been able to give you up.
This is all pointless, even I know that and I live in a dream world. You have moved on and fallen in love with someone else. Hell, you probably don’t remember me at all, I’m not the most memorable person. But every time I close my eyes I see you and every night when I go to sleep I dream that we are still together. It hurts. I am sad all the time because those dreams feel so real.
I want you to know a few things. Because of the time I spent with you I have decided that I want to be an artist. I want to paint the world the way I see it so that people can understand a tiny part of me. Also, I am going to come back to New Zealand to get my degree in fine arts. I want to go to Waikato because it is the closest university to you but I am also looking into Canterbury. I hope that when I come back we can talk again. Our story ended before it was supposed to and maybe reconnecting will help write an ending. Ideally I would like to talk to you again before I get back, but we both know that won’t happen.
I know we both hurt each other worse than words can express, but I still love you and I always will. Deep down, I know you still love me too.
I miss you,