when I take my hands out of the situation. I want to be your intimate friend, and strong provider. I want to be the precious treasure of your heart. And its so disconcerting to know that with a few quick decisions, certainly not painless, that would be so. I love your heart when we talk, and I love to look at you. And I love to hold you in my throughts as the trees blow and the rain falls. This morning, the sun was breaking through the clouds to the east, and it was so dramatic. I wanted to share it with you. 15 times this past weekend I wanted to share thoughts and sights and feelings with you. But silence was necessary.
I am not wise enough to navigate our relationship safely. The principles of sowing and reaping are established, and real. I am not young anymore, and have no excuses of ignorance. I have increadible passion for you that sears my brain and lights my fires, but cannot use that as an excuse, as I have been given strength to hold firm. I want to defend you from a difficult situation, and use that as an excuse to justify seeing you, but I cannot use that as an excuse, becuase I have seen miracles, and I have faith in your capacity for love, and God’s goodness.
Though we have never kissed…and we have hugged even only once, or twice….my arms can feel you, and my body wants you. But I cant use that as an excuse, because I am more than an animal.
And though I want to pour my affections on you, and my love, and hope, and dreams, I cannot use that as an excuse, because there is other dreams and roads and passages you have to travel. And I dont know the future. If I will be included.
Your unhappiness makes me sad. And your longing causes me to want to fill you up.
Is this love? Is this concern for a precious friend? Is it simply the fruit of two with common appreciation and value towards one another.
I know the day would come to again say goodbye. And we have never even met! People fear we were involved. And we weren’t. People fear the condition of our hearts, which may be a valid concern.
You know what? I would be pressing you to meet, as I think it would allow once for all an opportunity to speak, as we’re now restricted. But I fear one thing….I am afraid of your honesty. When the day comes, and even though we dont “do” anything, you’ll have to answer. And that, my darling, is the kicker.
You’re not a good liar. That is great! Please don’t become one. Certainly not on my account. In the past, I had become a good liar. And I hated myself. Its discontinuous, and divided. Like being 7 people. I managed well. On the outside. But I was decomposing on the inside. Wretched Fucker Shit-hole I was. Those words are not strong enough.
Where do you suppose cancer, and tumors, and joint pains, and headaches, and wasting, and confusion, and strife, and fear, and every sort if internal distress comes from? If not bitterness, unforgiveness, disloyalty and dishonesty. And all of these things were experienced in me. Both the physical and mental sides. And I know, that no one really ever knew. But I have lived it. And I am not exaggerating.
When an individual is whole, they are of sound mind. Single hearted. Focused. And at peace. The body falls in line, and health is restored. If caught soon enough, and with God’s blessing, things are restored 100%….and even better. If not, the damage may be irreverseable.
My darling, I want you to be of a single heart. You need to have the discussions we discussed. Not accepting a situation that’s a compromise, but working with your partner…in honesty, to make a genuinely happy life. It may not be perfect. You may still have dreams and ideals, and even lost loves and “what ifs”. Its all natural. But they lose their power to steal and destroy. They become more a part of who you “were”, and a smaller piece, undeniably though, of who you are.
All this being said, I am not strong. I am not amazing, resilient, tough, or anything. Conversely, my concern is that I am weak and given to hot passions…towards you. I want you. And then the nuclear bomb goes off, and there is crying and screaming and bleeding…
I have 1000 things to speak to you about. Mostly of my fondness and heart towards you. And of dreams I’ve never shared with you. and I want to hear you talk to me forever. And if you just want to be quiet for a month, that’s ok. I want to walk with you, holding hands, in the leaves. And have you run up to me and jump on me, and hold me. And to see you laugh in person. and to bury my face in your neck and hair and just stay there enjoying your fragrance.
Some people would say we talk like we had an affair or something. Maybe we have a capacity for imagination, and we are certain of the BAM connection we have. (I couldnt find the words so I made up a Batman expression).
Well, beautiful one, I got to go. If you read this, know that you are very lovely in my eyes. Beautful. Pecious. Sensitive. Deep. Sensual. Dynamic….I love all these things about you.