• Dearest James,

    by  • October 26, 2010 • Confusion, Frustration, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple • 2 Comments

    We happened 3 years ago and it went on for months. I tried SO hard to forget about you and all the feelings I had for you. Yesterday you messed it up. Simply because I fell for you. I fell hard … real fucking hard. It killed me inside that I knew we could never progress past the line that had been drawn. I didn’t want to get attached and I knew you didn’t want to. But, fuck dude … I did.

    I nonchalantly asked you a question yesterday about med school. Somehow, we ended up talking about the first time you met me. You thought it was at Jack-in-the-Box in Newport. I thought it was the day you drove to Newport in your car so you, our mutual friend, and I went to the beach. We talked about the first time you met my girlfriends and I and what you thought of us. Purposely, I nonchalantly asked what you thought of me. I wanted to see what you would say. You replied with, “I thought you were a model or something.” EVERY time we talk, it somehow ends up going back to THAT time 3 years ago.

    You: It kinda sucked that we had to keep ‘us’ on the dl from everyone.
    I agreed.
    You: We prolly would have been outta control though knowing you and me.
    Me: Outta control in what?
    You: Like not having to hold back. Nevermind
    Me: In bed?
    You: Yeah
    Me: OH. Yeah that elevator idea was something else.
    You: Yeah, could have done a lot more of that but having to make sure no one saw us together was fun haha

    Me: Yeah it probably would’ve been too crazy if I wasn’t quiet
    You: Yeah and if you were loud it would make me want it more = trouble

    That’s what you are to me – trouble. I knew EXACTLY what you were talking about when you said we probably would’ve been out of control and not having to hold back anything. I just wanted to see if you’d have the balls to man up and admit it.

    You asked me a few weeks ago if I’m really engaged and I happily confirmed it. I know you have a girlfriend, although I’ve never directly asked you. I just don’t get why you do this. You KNOW how I felt about you and how hard I had to contain what I truly felt from you and all of our friends. We even talked about our first time sleeping together. Who does that? Why the fuck do we keep doing that? Why can’t we have a normal conversation that doesn’t involve us being intimate? Was it because it was so much fun at that time? Why do you bring this shit up in every conversation we have? Is it because YOU felt something more than just a physical attraction between us? If you did, then be a man and fucking admit it to me.

    Why are you now, all of a sudden more open about how you felt back then? Is it because you and I both have someone significant in our lives? That by discussing this with me, you know nothing can come from it? Even though we happened 3 years ago, you affected me so much that I cannot sit and playfully reminisce about it every time we talk because it’s MADDENING for me. I don’t know if you bring it up because it’s fun for you to have your ego boosted, but this is TORTURE for me. Just be fucking honest with me for once.


    2 Responses to Dearest James,

    1. Chloe
      October 26, 2010 at 10:35 pm

      Hang in there.
      Love and support coming from one hopeless
      romantic to another.

    2. J
      October 27, 2010 at 8:51 pm

      Much appreciated, Chloe 🙂

    Leave a Reply