• Things I needed to Say

    by  • October 19, 2010 • Abuse, Acceptance, Betrayal, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Parents, Self-Esteem, Yearning • 5 Comments

    Dear who ever will listen or cares enough to read:

    Before I start, I would like to point out the fact I am not an attention seeker. I just want someone to know, after all of this time. I hate to sit here and complain, but I think I am overdue for a little venting.

    First off, I pretty much hate everything about me. I don’t know why. I don’t understand it myself. I cut myself at night. I just get up and I get that blade I broke off of that razor and I slice it through my skin. I do it over and over until I know I should stop. Until I make myself stop. I have to for several reasons. One, Scars. I have several. But I cut my leg, because I would never let a single living soul know what I do. (Unless it’s anonymous, of course)Two, what would people think? Really. I mean, I can’t hide those cuts all of the time. But I have to. I have no choice.

    Also, I’ll starve myself for days, until I just can’t stand it anymore. I’m not even big. I just want to be that size 0 everyone loves. I’m a 3. It sort of works out, because I like that pain it gives me. Until I eat of course, then I feel like the fattest oaf to walk to planet.

    I had a suicide pact. We would have done it. But you found out. That person knows who he/she is. Then it was no more.

    I know you hate me, Mother. You have told me several times who your true favorite is. You never had any shame in admitting it. Something I will never understand. And when you found my journal, the one place I could truly say what I needed to, why did you tell me to kill myself? I was in enough pain. I didn’t need you to say that. I needed you to care, like any other mother would have. (And I do love you. Even though I said otherwise. Also it would be appreciated if you would stop leaving us.)

    Oh, and my brother. He used to come into my room every night. Every. Single. Night. And I can’t stand to see him now. I can’t stand for people to touch me. I can’t stand for him to pretend like it didn’t happen.

    And yeah, I’m a flirt. I lead guys on all of the time. And just when someone likes me, I can’t stand it. I hate it. So much. I hate someone can like me, when I can’t even like me. How is that possible?

    If only you could see me. Not for my benefit, but so you can see how screwed up any normal teenager can be. I’m attractive. People like me. I’m a cheerleader. I can make people like me. Like who I am. Or at least, who I play. And on the outside, my family looks pretty prefect too. Really. We are all nice and sweet to each other in public. We live in a nice house. One wouldn’t think so many problems are under the roof as there are.

    Sorry if this sounds so angry. Sorry if this hurts someone. Sorry if this has any affect on you. But it was something I needed to say. I can’t continue to go to sleep like this every night, just pretending everything is okay. But, that’s what I have to do. Really, What are my other options?

    I tell someone, my parents hate me. As imperfect as they seem to be, they don’t seem to be so accepting to my flaws.

    Then what? I leave me family? Get placed somewhere I have never been? As if. I would hate that more than here.

    And then again, everyone, not every day is a living Hell.

    Just most of them..

    5 Responses to Things I needed to Say

    1. Cami
      October 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm

      *hugs*

      Please don’t hate yourself… you say that people like you and such and such – You know what? You have friends. You may try to “put on an act” with them, but that act can never stay for too long before they see the real you. And I’m sure they have. They see your flaws, and they accept you for who you are. They love you for who you are. There are people that love you for who you are.

      I used to cut myself also… and sometimes I couldn’t hide it… they’d notice it on my thigh or arm or somewhere. I used to starve myself every once in awhile. I know how you feel… Please don’t hate yourself.
      Allow the love of others around you to heal you. To heal your heart, your hurt, your shame, your scars.

      You say you “can’t stand it”, you “hate it” when someone truly likes you. But they like you because they see you as someone of importance. You may not be important to the world, but you’re important in their world, and in the worlds of others.
      You may not see the good in you. You (like I have before) may see all the times you failed in the past. But even though you’ve made mistakes, or even though you think you’re garbage – others don’t think that of you. They don’t want you to commit suicide. They see the real you: beautiful outside AND inside.

      As I said before, there are people that love you for who you are.

      I’m sorry that your family has hurt you. The ones that are supposed to be there to help you, shelter you, protect you, support you and show you unconditional love have failed you, and I’m sorry.

      Please, do not give up hope…

      No, you don’t have to live every day like it’s okay…
      Find a friend that can keep secrets and talk to them. Maybe see a counsellor (which is actually what I’m doing. And you know what? It’s helping. I didn’t think I could trust a counsellor, but I found out that I could, and it’s helping).

      Please, do not give up hope… I’m here for you. We’re here for you.
      If writing is your outlet, and you have to write every day, keep writing.

      But please, do not give up…

      If I can do it, you can do it.
      If you can do it, I can do it.
      And we’ll get through this together.

      Much love…

      Cams.

    2. Emma Leigh
      October 21, 2010 at 6:19 pm

      I really hope you read this, Cami.

      First off, I would like to thank you. Really, you have no idea what this means. I kind of expected someone to harass me to some extent, but to know you reached out and tried to help.. it means a lot.

      I’m really glad things are going well for you. Whatever switched you around, helped you, I’m glad you found it/them. I apologize on behalf of whoever has hurt you in your life. I’m just glad all is well, now. Or at least, heading in that direction.

      You really do mean a lot. Just when I start to lose hope in the world, it seems someone doesn’t want me to. It feels good to know someone truly cares, rather than that act most will play with you.

      Not to sound desperate, pathetic, or depressing, I would like to thank you for giving me some sort of, well.. hope, I suppose. As mush as I hate to admit, For quite sometime I wouldn’t even let people care. I didn’t want them to.

    3. Always Here
      October 22, 2010 at 8:49 am

      There will always be someone who cares for you. Don’t let the world get you down. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but the truth of the matter is you’re beautiful and you’re a gift to the world. You were created by God, and He loves you more than anything. And, there are people who love you and care about you. Even though your family isn’t there for you, I pray that you find someone who will be there for you. I think your friends know who you really are. Talk to them. And, please, don’t hate yourself. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are worthwhile. Don’t ever forget that please. Don’t ever give up.

    4. Cami
      October 22, 2010 at 9:05 am

      You’re very welcome Emma. I’m glad I was able to help.
      *hugs*

    5. E
      December 17, 2010 at 9:53 pm

      I’m sorry you feel like this. I get where you’re coming from. I’m a junior in high school and my family is the same way. The worst is going to bed lonely and feeling so overwhelmed that you absolutely have to take it out on yourself.
      Im sorry you feel this way too :/ I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

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