• Too little, too late

    by  • October 17, 2010 • Frustration, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 3 Comments

    Well…Melinda…I don’t know what to say. I feel like…I’ll never really be just your friend because…well, I’m just gonna want more. I’m in love with you and I always will be melinda. Nothing’s ever gonna change that, a promise is a promise, you may not find someone around the corner who is willing to love someone as much as I am.. but My subconscious or whatever the hell it is.. it wont let go of the feelings I have for you Melinda. I was ready to be with you.. well. Til the day I died.. I’ve always been one to look for something amazing an opportunity to be amazing… I found that.. but you let it go, pushed it away from me. I just wanted to be that “perfect guy”. I just wanted to love you and be with you. Don’t you realize how perfect things were when we started dating? Don’t you realize what’s happened to me now that you left? I’m miserable and pessimistic and I just hate everyone.. I hate myself.. I’d always thought, Why try. Why? What’s the point? I took the oppurtunity and my thoughts were exactly right.. the harder I try the harder I fall.. I’ve always wanted to be amazing, to be needed, to be loved…but that’s gone now. I never saw anything wrong with our love. I don’t know why you had to let yourself be afraid of it or feel as though something was wrong. I’ve seen so many things in my life so far…I don’t want anymore I just want you and your family and that’s it I love all of you and I just wish we could be together.. But what the fuck is the point…. I remember last year I said “I suppose some people just aren’t supposed to be happy” well.. so Far.. I guess I’m one of them.. I met you and you made my dreams come true.. but you were just another of my dreams of happiness…just…a fuckin dream. I didn’t learn anything from this…I tried…I tried to make it a life lesson but all it’s shown me was that I was right, I’m just a fuckin drone. Who cares I’m just another number in the population. Another statistic.. Hell I’m so unimportant you probably will just skim this… I’m trying to be your “friend” melinda.. I really am…But every time…I hear a love song…there you are… in my head…every time I see someone throw a calculator, everytime I see a red car, everytime I shut my eyes there you are.. I’m trying to “man up” I’m trying to be that confident person I was…but…what’s the point? I’m not going to have you with me again. I always went out of my way so I could see you, spent my time to see you…but what’s the point now? So I can stare at someone who likes me around? Someone who says they miss me but hardly talks to me and seems to avoid me.. I wish Aileen’s wishes would come true. Then I wouldn’t have to wish we were back together. I hurt every time I see you, every time I want to talk to you and someone interrupts me when I’m trying to talk to you, or you hear someone else’s voice and decide to ignore me. You’re like candy in front of a child but he can’t have it.. there’s no reason why he can’t just have it….but he can’t and that’s that.. as long as it’s just right there in front of him he’ll always just feel empty.. even if he tries whatever it takes to get it. Everything you say I listen to.. on Monday you’ll probably have a big example of what I mean. Melinda…I’m trying…I wanna make you happy…I do. I promised myself I’d do that…but I’m really really unhappy right now. If I say I need space til this feeling goes away it’ll never go away and I’ll always be apart from you…because I’m never going to stop loving you. I promised myself that I promised you that. I don’t break promises. I can’t break this one either. Trust me, please don’t patronize me if there’s anything I’m more sure about in my entire life it’s this. Please believe me. I know you might feel like life is , Meh, or blah, or crappy.. yeah I think that’s the one you used. Well…it’s really bad for me. I lost the person who I recognized as the one, I lost my father, my grandparents and half my family practically. My brother isn’t here, and my brother from vegas…I don’t even know if he’s alive. I have so many damn problems to think about. And even though you left me and hurt me so much I still worry about you all the time. I always want to know if you’re ok.. But in the end It doesn’t matter.. because you’ll always be ok. You have a good life. You have friends that love you, you have a great family, your doing everything you wanted to…you’re in band, you’re driving.. You had the choice to do this to me. God damn…I just wish you would have been stronger than this, that you could’ve done something…to prevent this. What’s the point in being “the best” if that’s not enough? Huh? It means nothing to me anymore. My best is worthless. I’m sorry I can’t easily be your friend melinda. I’m sorry I can’t be the man that was different, the man that you could love. God…I miss telling you how pretty and smart and funny and just how good a person you are…but I can’t do that anymore…not for a long time at least.. whether it be my choice or not… If you can.. call me tomorrow.. It’s a very important day to me.. I wish someone could visit me but.. I understand if you’re busy.. you always seemed to prefer your friends to me after The good months we had together.. please.. at least call me.

    -Mathew

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    3 Responses to Too little, too late

    1. Isaac
      October 17, 2010 at 7:54 pm

      It could have been me writing this (‘cept for the red car, there is no red car in my story). The life of the true nice guys man. There’s a picture quote I saw before that says “Having the love of your life break up with you and say ‘we can still be friends’ is like your dog dying and your mom saying ‘you can still keep it'” It blows so much. Always having her on your mind, knowing you’re not on hers. Trying to hate her but can’t because you want nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were. It sucks so much. I feel your pain whole heartedly. You aren’t alone. I know there’s nothing I can say to make you feel any better, there really never is, but just try to keep your head up. Time heals all wounds.




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    2. mathew
      October 18, 2010 at 8:13 pm

      Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed someone to say that.




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    3. Matt
      October 18, 2010 at 8:21 pm

      Ya that was about the same with me, there were a lot of months of pursuit, where i kept telling myself not to hope, to just let it happen if it would, and then it started to, and i tried to keep myself from hoping. There were a lot of good times, but in the end she never had time for me. I always told her that i cared about her and i wanted to be there for her, but she never seemed to want my help. Then she told me she needed to take a break to “clear her head” she was always so busy with other things and people. one day i confronted her, i said, you want me to stick around? then show me, give me something, some reason that says i am important to you or that you need me? She said I was her only reliable friend and that was just the way she was. But i didn’t believe her, in life, you make time for the things that are important to you. I clearly was not. I think about her every day. She has a new boyfriend. Some guy she was hanging out with when we were going out. I hate her, i was so miserable going out with her because she held back. but i was so happy, and i still want her to be happy, why couldn’t she be happy with me?




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