All I want is for you to be completely gone from my life. But it’ll never happen. My friends are your friends. And they won’t stop being your friends until you hurt every one of them the way you hurt me. It’s only been 2 months, but it feels like I’ve been living in a year of hell. Not because we aren’t together. I never want to be with you again. Because you turned my friends against me.
You pretend like what happened wasn’t a big deal. It definitely was. You used me for sex after we broke up. You manipulated me into think you still had some sort of desire for me. You did, but I thought you had respect for me too. And when I called you out on it, you didn’t own up to it. You just told me you were done with me. Done dealing with me. I guess one last fuck was all you wanted before college.
You ripped me apart with your highs and lows, making me wonder if I’ll ever be enough. When we started out together, you chased me. You were pursuing and I was resisting. I had better prospects, a better future than being tied to you. I missed out on being with the perfect man for me because you were so goddamn persistent. But damn it, you made me love you. You made me love you and give all of myself up to you, and then when I was empty and full of nothing but love for you, you threw me away.
And everyone else just wants this to be over, and they all blame me because I’m the one who refuses to talk about you, and freaks out every time I see you.
The truth is that you are my personal ghost, always there to remind me about how I wasn’t good enough. How I’ll never be good enough. And you pretend like I mean nothing to you, but you told my friend that I was a crazy bitch for defriending you. What you don’t know is that he tells me everything and now I know that you were checking up on me. It was so much easier when I thought you didn’t give a shit about what I was doing.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again. More importantly, I don’t think I’ll ever fully love myself again. Before we were together, my confidence was at an all time high. Now I contemplate suicide everyday because I know I’ll always be that bitch who was never skinny enough, or never quite pretty enough. And then when I thought I found a guy to help me forget about you, even if it was only sex, he gets a girlfriend. After getting over that, I find out that your favorite band is coming to my college to perform. I don’t even feel safe 3 hours away from you.
And sometime one of us is going to break this barrier and it sure as fuck is not going to be me. And when it happens, I don’t know what the fuck I’ll say, or what you’ll say. But it’s not going to be pretty. I’ve forgiven you for no reason too many times because I couldn’t stand the thought of you not being in my life. And now the thought of you speaking to me terrifies me.
I’ve been trying to eradicate you from my life, but the only thing that remains is your fucking hipster music on my ipod. And I want to restore the settings, but I want to keep all the Ben Folds. And that’s what it really comes down to. My love of Ben Folds versus my hatred of you. Woe is me.